Give to me the life I love,
Let the lave go by me,
Give the jolly heaven above
And the byway nigh me.
Bed in the bush with stars to see,
Bread I dip in the river --
There's the life for a man like me,
There's the life forever.
--The Vagabond, Robert Louis Stevenson
1.03 Received some beautiful gifts from Chihuahua from my thoughtful neighbors Lupita, Glenn and Ernest. Met a student hiking on Sul Ross hill who introduced himself as Stephen and volunteered to help me clearing the trail. By remarkable coincidence he told me of his plans to study environmental engineering at UT at Arlington where I got my electrical engineering degree in 1976.
1.09 After one year finally discovered the rumored lost desk on Sul Ross Hill near a tree hung with bicycles while wandering around with Stephen in a rambling conversation touching on Buddhist no-self versus Hindu/Yoga/Christian eternal soul, then comparing Buddhist and Catholic confession, then weighing possible advantages for tall height in management versus engineering (Stephen is tall and Catholic). I was reminded of long conversations with my cousin Brother Paul years ago. Stephen wants to join in constructing a secret lookout, nearly finished; I welcome his participation and have told him it is not "mine".
1.11 Just arrived: a Campmor 20 degree rectangular sleeping bag . The extra warmth and rectangular cut will allow camping and sitting outside crosslegged even in cold weather, without sacrificing bulk and weight for a longer hike. The weight of 2 lbs 8 ounces is only 4 ounces more than a restrictive mummy cut and the stuff size is the same, 7 x 14 inches.
1.13 Several weeks or months ago I made a conscious decision to stop reading world news because of its depressing effect on my general level of happiness and will to face the future. (Nanavira's reason for suicide because he was "tired" of his pains continues to bother me). Therefore I deleted my internet bookmarks to NYTimes, Digg and Google News. However I did not completely give up reading about scientific developments such as reported at NewScientist.com or KurzweilAI.net or Slashdot.org, because of the informative and funny comments made by other people who often think like me. These are forums of educated professionals that I can identify with, not feeling so isolated in my solitude. However even scientific news, usually less depressing than political news, can provoke anxiety. For example, this morning a report about organ damage in rats caused by eating genetically modified corn caught my eye. This led to my watching a long documentary critical of Monsanto. The French-made documentary explains why the bovine growth hormone BGH made and sold by Monsanto and promoted as safe is really bad: the hormone injections may cause a 15% increase in milk production but also cause reproductive harm and lameness (in cows) and a rise in mastitis infections which can result in pus leaking into milk along with the antibiotics to fight the mastitis, leading to selection for immune resistant bacteria. BGH is banned in many countries because of its cruelty to animals. The FDA claims it is not harmful to humans but they callously ignore its documented harm to animals. Regarding a toxic coolant called PCB, the documentary reveals how Monsanto buried it near a community of poor people in Alabama, even knowing it was harmful. Now reports are surfacing about farm workers and animals exposed to Monsanto Roundup which totally kills all plants. Genetically modified soy beans and corn have a protein engineered to defend the plant against the Roundup apocalypse. The long term safety of GM foods has not been approved in Europe which continues to prohibit importation, and even Canada, America's close neighbor, refuses importation. The documentary accuses the American FDA, established to protect the public interest, of making political concessions to the agricultural industry in a cozy revolving door relationship, accepting industry tests without peer review.
This is another reminder that my own personal health and well being depend on a larger community outside of my control, including corporations motivated mainly by profit. There is so much greed, hate and ignorance in this world. The news reminds me that my future is not secure. So what else is new? Has anyone in human history ever been guaranteed security? As a matter of fact, Yes! True believers in a Personal Savior expect eternal life in a heavenly realm after suffering old age, sickness and death in the human realm. Such a belief in salvation is an incredible defiance in the face of reason and experience. It has been said that faith is believing what you know is not true. There is probably some evolutionary selection for faith translating into a will to live, but actually in the chain of cause and effect, faith is subordinate to desire. It is desire which motivates faith and creates a world view. The heart is stronger than the mind. People will believe what their heart tells them to believe. Faith is a kind of willful ignorance, a deliberate choosing not to examine life too closely.
In the Theravada Buddhist tradition, death contemplation, such as by observing a rotting corpse, is supposed to weaken attachment to a flawed mortal body. Breathing awareness meditation (anapanasati) is intended to calm mental agitation due to anxiety, supporting deeper insight meditation (vipassana) into the universal signs of impermanence (anicca), unsatisfactoriness (dukkha) and non self (anatta) underlying all experience, to root out the clinging which causes suffering. These gloomy thoughts may have come up lately because of mild but persistent headaches and some chest pains lingering since last August. With regard to my browsing for news on scientific forums, I might choose to delete those links too, or else consider these depressing reports to be like rotting corpse meditations.
1.15 An update from decodeme has arrived with sobering news. While I thought the Icelandic laboratory was in bankruptcy, it seems ownership may have only changed hands because they are continuing to issue updates. A new risk factor has been added to my genetic profile. Not only is it a new factor but it is also the worst factor: hypertension 65.6% lifetime risk. The other known high risk factors for my profile are atrial fibrillation 56.1%, obesity 53.3%, basal cell carcinoma 37.3%, heart attack 35.7%, and prostate cancer 31.3%. This warning is corroborated by home blood pressure readings monitored daily over the past months, typically in the neighborhood of 128/77 which is pre-hypertension territory. Meanwhile my weight has stubbornly hovered around 140 lbs in spite of totally fasting every day after midday and cutting out all sugar and salt. Yet fasting any more aggressively than this standard practice provokes feelings of depression and revolt. It is hard to push the envelope. This cold, gray overcast day was entirely wasted indoors reading escapist fantasy, not even going out for my regular afternoon hike.
1.16 Greatly enjoyed helping a friend update her old laptop computer, a rewarding feeling of being useful. With Google Earth we located her home in Chihuahua City not too far from the Chihuahua-Pacifico train station, and I realized that the affectionate name for the train, "El Chepe", derives from the Spanish letters "C" (se or che) + "P" (pe). The photos of the train remind me of visits years ago. I wonder if I might go down there again, if only to see an optometrist about my blurring vision.
1.18 A diet article in Wired Magazine suggests a video game strategy for losing weight. The essential idea by teen Taylor LeBaron to achieve his long term goal of cutting his weight in half by 150 pounds in 18 months (2 pounds per week) was to conceive of his project as a goal-oriented video game. As in a game, he identified his enemies (inactivity, food choices, large portions, liquid calories and stress) and his allies (a personal trainer, the natural high from exercise and faithfulness to his goal). He developed a system of scoring points to quantify his success in small steps to keep himself motivated over a long time. Seeing how he adapted tactics well known to him from his own background experience (video games) has given me the idea of using my experience in hiking to reach a similar goal. This is my idea: calculate the portions of food that I would need for five days, as if I were doing a long hike, and then limit my meals to those stores. I might even load the food in my pack as if I were on the trail and take the pack up the hill with all of the gear needed for a hike, as a practice run for the coming season. Maybe even spend some nights up there. This time around I would be interested in a slower style of hiking (10 mile days) and without the complications of carrying a stove and fuel.
1.23 Saturday. After a rainy morning followed by clearing skies but with strong gusts of wind, I wondered if Stephen would make our planned rendezvous on the hill today, but his car was in the parking lot and I found him above at our lookout. We walked over to the student desk at the end of the crest trail to retrieve the register to be scanned. The pages have been uploaded to picasaweb here. Some golden flecks of crumbling plywood from the weathered desk were accidentally captured in the scans, evidence of encroaching entropy everywhere.
1.24 My experiment to lose some excess pounds by pretending to be on a long hike and eating only portions of food reserved in advance seems to be working, knock on wood. Meanwhile, looking further into stoveless hiking, I came across a promising idea: wholesome raw oats are perfectly digestible even without cooking or adding milk and sugar, and they even taste good when mixed with raw almonds and raisins, although a little dry. This should take care of breakfasts until the main meal of the day.
On 9 July, 1999, I met two southbound CDT hikers in the Anaconda Pintler Wilderness in Montana, "Julian and Bush" from Alpine, Texas. It was the first time I ever heard about Alpine. Later on the memory of our meeting influenced me to come to try Alpine as a winter haven instead of freezing Flagstaff. Today on the hill in the desk register, I discovered this morning's entry by Julian. He recognized my old trail name and remembered our meeting years ago. His signature included his last name which I had forgotten. On getting back to my computer, an internet search turned up his phone number and the street view of his house under tall pine trees, a moderate walk across town from my apartment. Should I call him up? Sometimes contacts with other people have a way of stirring up feelings of disappointment based on unrealistic expectations. Even casual contacts can make a splash in my pond. My friend Gerald used to dismiss my brooding over trivial matters, "You agonize too much."
1.26 Roberta informs me my equanimity tree is a Ficus benjamina (Weeping Fig). If so, it will grow large with a spreading root system. A few yellowing leaves (today's photo) suggest it may need more frequent watering. Its soothing, green presence quietly exudes life sustaining oxygen, earning the space it needs. It is the right kind of roommate for me. It doesn't criticize me for being odd, retired or having teeth falling out. It is equanimous, not really caring one way or the other. Today Stephen kept his promise to bring over a container of shrimp cocktail made by his dad.
1.27 Early this morning about 2:45, someone aggressively banged on the door, reeking alcohol instead of oxygen and wearing a Toyota service jacket with the name Julian embroidered on it. I did not really recognize his face or invite him in. We stood outside on the landing in the chilly air, cool as our last meeting in the shadows of Rainbow Pass, although this time I was barefoot and wearing pajamas. He wanted to hug me. I said I was not a hugging type. He folded his Bali Bear arms around me anyway and hoisted my protesting weight off the ground. He said my teeth were falling out. He said he had read my website. He ridiculed my interests in plants, colors, optics and fasting to cure chronic headaches. Instead he said I should come to an afternoon cheese party at his house. He said that his partner Bush got sick in Wisdom and they had to break their hike by hitchhiking to Salmon for medical care. His said his contact with Bush has ended. I asked him why, if he was not talking with his hiking partner any more, then why should it matter meeting me again after one and only one encounter on the trail so long ago? He said he had to come. Then he lurched away without saying goodbye. Maybe we will meet again in brighter light.
1.28 Julian and I met again in brighter light as foretold, by remarkable coincidence later that very same morning. We met in the University parking lot on my way hiking up the hill. He was standing talking to someone else in a pickup cab. We greeted amicably and shook hands in passing.
1.29 Snow. In reply to a letter from a friend, I wrote an essay about Stephen Batchelor's book Buddhism Without Beliefs explaining why the concepts of karma and rebirth have not been important in my practice as compared with the core teachings of the Four Noble Truths.
2.03 Curcumin is the active component of turmeric. It is enthusiastically recommended by Margaret's blog and many other sources for health benefits. Among other virtues it thins blood. I have ordered some capsules to prevent headaches possibly due to high blood viscosity, now that I know of my 65.6% lifetime genetic risk for hypertension. Meanwhile I have also tried mixing turmeric powder with olive oil, vinegar, garlic, black pepper and nuggets of chopped green jalapeno chiles, making a spicy salad dressing over fresh cilantro from the supermarket. The black pepper increases the bioavailability of the curcumin. The olive oil dissolves the turmeric which is insoluble in water. My goal of 130 lbs or bust is almost reached, dropping slowly at a rate of about 2 lbs per week. Cravings to eat out of time are controlled by mentally imaging the red LED number I wish to see displayed on the scale the next morning: "133" or "132" or "131" or "130". The target weights planned for each day have been previously calculated and listed on a wall calendar above the scale. Then the measured weights are entered each morning under the target weights.
2.04 These rainy days cloaking the sun remind me of All Summer in a Day, a short story by Ray Bradbury about the sun breaking through the thick clouds of Venus after seven years. The film adaptation at YouTube is sad and moving. The scene of the children picking flowers before the rain resumes breaks the spell of belief; however the flowers fill their hands with something to give to the little girl who was locked behind in the closet. Could that little girl be any of us, living in a dark closet of ignorance all our life?
2.10 Traveling to Chihuahua City, Mexico, by bus for a few days. Updates to this page may be postponed until my return. Remember the Buddha's advice to his son Rahula: "Nothing should be considered as mine, me or myself."
2.18 I have just returned to my Alpine apartment from a visit to Chihuahua for medical diagnostics concerning mild chest pain experienced for the past few months (but at least the headaches have faded after starting a regimen of curcumin 1500 mg/day). Several kinds of medical tests were done including lab work and xrays. The results of a coronary treadmill stress test administered in the ancient Central Hospital by cardiologist Dr. David Madrigal Campos indicate that the blood supply to the coronary arteries may be deficient (ischemia). The EKG graph shows distortion of the ST segment on the V5 and V6 potentials when the heart is stressed. There is also an abnormal condition present for some months called sinus bradycardia, a resting pulse rate lower than 60 bpm. The sinoatrial node, the heart's primary pacemaker, is not firing properly at its normal rate of 75 bpm, therefore my pulse rate may be depending on the heart's secondary pacemaker, the atrioventricular node, which fires at a slower rate of 40-60 bpm (my conjecture; I have not learned how to interpret the EKG waveforms yet). The heart consists of four chambers. The two atria chambers on top receive blood from veins; the two ventricles on the bottom pump blood out to the arteries. It is necessary for the lower, secondary AV node to delay its response following stimulus by the higher, primary sinoatrial node in order to allow the ventricles to fill up with atrial blood before contracting. The primary sinoatrial node stimulates the atria chambers to empty into the ventricles, then the valves close and the AV node in turn stimulates the ventricles to contract. The secondary AV node firing rate is offset from the primary and also slower in order to defend against atrial fibrillation, a disorder of the sinoatrial node and a known risk factor in my personal genome (56.1% lifetime risk, second only to hypertension 65.6% risk). Therefore I am preparing to leave Alpine again for a trip to San Antonio for more advanced tests and treatment, after a few days of rest and internet research in Alpine.
Until reaching this stage of life and health, I usually imagined that death was far off (except for two nearly fatal road accidents). Now I wonder if each day could be my last. In SN 3.25, the Buddha tells King Pasenadi to imagine four moving mountains converging on a crossroad crushing everything in their path. Physical escape is impossible. These four mountains represent birth, old age, sickness and death. In the Buddhist view, even birth is a misfortune. The whole cycle of living and dying is a misfortune. The only escape is to quit the game by abandoning personal attachments and the delusion of self existence. Birth is the ultimate cause of death. A coroner could truthfully state on every certificate that the cause of death is "Birth". These events can not be avoided but their pain can be mitigated by understanding there is really no self subject to them. The body is only a body composed of the four primary elements, earth, water, fire and air. Nothing personal. That is why the Buddha instructed his son Rahula, "Do not consider anything to be mine, me or myself", the motto on my home page, an antidote for worries about heart failure in particular.
I bought some new eyeglasses in Chihuahua but unfortunately they will not be delivered before my departure for San Antonio.
2.22 Monday morning. An appointment has been scheduled with cardiologist Dr. Milton Alvis in northern San Antonio for next Thursday, 2/25 at 12:00 noon. Dr. Alvis is an expert frequent contributor to Wikipedia (see his user page MAlvis).
2.26 Pleased with first meeting with Dr. Milton Alvis yesterday at his office in San Antonio. He is extremely verbal. I may have to stay in this area for a few weeks for more diagnostics, imaging and treatment for a blocked coronary artery, beginning with reducing LDL lipoproteins and increasing HDL using statins and niacin.
3.03 On my second meeting with Dr. Alvis today we looked at some additional blood tests. Although my lipid profile falls mostly in the green range, the Dr. asserts that the heart arteries are nevertheless diseased as the Chihuahua stress test is showing. However he wants to postpone doing an angiogram with angioplasty for yet another month in order to allow statins and niacin to improve artery health. This will reduce the risk of the catheter dislodging vulnerable plaques. He said that some clotting almost always occurs. My option of returning to Alpine in the meantime does not seem feasible while my fathers recovery is still uncertain. His obese body is sluggish and his mind is confused. I can practice meditation here as well as anywhere; it should not make any difference where I stay, except that the Boerne climate is not as wholesome as Alpine. His dark apartment does not get much sunlight, however I can go out for walks on some days. It is depressing to consider the precarious health of an aging body, either mine or others. Breathing mindfulness offers a pleasant refuge from gloomy thoughts. The Buddha substituted breathing mindfulness for gross body mindfulness after many bhikkhus went to the extreme of "taking the knife".
3.10 Starting to recover from a debilitating week of congestion and coughing, losing my voice. The chronic headache also came back. A grotesque purple lump appeared on my tongue and an infection flared in my ear. This morning an MD at the walk-in Boerne Acute Care Center prescribed an expensive antibiotic (Levaquin $160) but when I learned the price at the Wal Mart pharmacy, we compromised on amoxicillin ($59) and threw in a bottle of codeine cough syrup. With the referral and help of my trust officers, instead of acting on my own, I have scheduled a meeting with a recommended board certified cardiologist, Philip D Zinn MD, in three weeks (turns out that Alvis does not have board certification in cardiology). I believe the plan of treatment outlined by Dr. Alvis is basically correct but I would like a more conventional cardiologist having experience with many patients and who works with other cardiologists. There are 23 of them at the Cardiology Clinic of San Antonio across the street from the Methodist Hospital.
During a followup visit to my father's surgeon's office in San Antonio a few days ago, Gerald Greenfield MD explained that my father's mental confusion is not uncommon among geriatric patients recovering from surgery. It might take months for his mind to clear. It was a difficult operation. Five inches of the femur head had degenerated. A lot of scar tissue was cut out and the leg length was restored within one centimeter of equality, limited only by the sciatic nerve. Returning to Alpine in a few days, I look forward to a two week retreat there in a dry, healthy climate far from the oppressive Boerne air. Then shall return to San Antonio to confront the cardiovascular disease and ischemia after laying siege with rosuvastatin, zetia and niacin to improve lipoprotein levels.
Concerning the chronic headaches, they seem to correlate somehow with body weight, at least so I imagine it. Because of the disturbance of traveling which knocks carefully constructed schedules out of kilter, my weight has crept up to 135 lbs for the past 20 days, retreating from its closest approach of 132 lbs to my eventual goal of 130 or bust. The ten-day trend averages logged since last December are 141, 139, 140, 139, 138, 135, 132 (2/09/2010 Alpine), 135, 136.
3.14 Returned to Alpine from Boerne for a short retreat before next appointment with cardiologist Philip Zinn on 3/29. The hill is still the same but it takes a while to drop sticky thoughts which cling like glue. My neighbors Ernest and Glenn Willeford brought up my new eye glasses from Chihuahua. Filed federal income tax for 2009 using TurboTax online, always a relief to get that done.
3.19 Finally got around to updating my Texas driver license address. The state office is located so far outside of Alpine that it has not been feasible for the past year to walk out there, but today I took advantage of my Dad's car which I borrowed to make this trip. I still prefer to walk whenever possible.
3.23 Foreseeing that I will be interacting with other people again on my return to San Antonio next week, I shaved my beard to drop the desert hermit look. Shaving once a week is not really too much trouble.
3.27 Drove from Alpine to Boerne in seven hours. Once again relying on little Asus netbook and public wifi for internet access.
4.03 Dr. Philip Zinn looked at my coronary CT scan and nuclear stress test done at the Cardiology Clinic of San Antonio and concluded that no coronary intervention is required in my case for this year. There is not enough blockage to warrant an angioplasty or a stent. He directed me to continue taking Crestor (rosuvastatin) 10 mg but stop taking the Zetia. My cholesterol level dropped remarkably in the past month but the Zetia also reduced the good HDL. He prescribed a niacin extended release formulation called Niaspan 500 mg instead of Enduracin 500 mg (to be increased to 2000 mg/day), and approved continuing my other supplements such as fish oil except for Vitamin E. He ordered another set of lipid and hepatic profiles in two months.
The nuclear stress test lasted for about 11 minutes, longer than my ten minute Chihuahua test, and I was never breathing through the mouth or feeling chest pain. The hardest part was to keep the old legs churning. This gives me more confidence that I can continue hiking and even do another long hike in the mountains this summer.
My brother Jeff commented that neither good nor bad eating habits seem to have modified our family's genetic risk for getting coronary disease (Dad, Jeff, Janie and me, with Jim (and younger Julie?) on the waiting list). However, in spite of our common genetic susceptibility to atherosclerosis and obesity, there are still good reasons to fight obesity even if coronary disease cannot be ultimately avoided. A light body improves quality of life.
As the Buddha advised King Pasenadi who was huffing and puffing after eating a bucket of rice and curry,
"When a man is always mindful,
Knowing moderation in the food he eats,
His ailments then diminish:
He ages slowly, guarding his life."
After arranging for my father's transfer from San Antonio Methodist hospital to Cibolo Creek Nursing Home in Boerne following his recent gall bladder laparoscopic removal, I plan to return to Alpine by bus. My father is too weak both physically and mentally to resume independent living in the near future, if ever. He can say his name but not tell which year it is or where he is. Cibolo Creek, the newest and nicest of five nursing homes visited in Boerne, was discovered at the last moment thanks to a suggestion by my sister Jane visiting from California. She is the designated executrix of his estate.
4.06 Returned to my Alpine apartment late at night, walking in from the Quick Stop bus station east of town, rolling my duffel bag behind me, the wheels clicking over each gap in the sidewalk in the silent air, Orion arching overhead to the west. The apartment was stuffy due to closed windows. Most of the leaves of the equanimity tree had fallen shriveled on the floor, neglected by forgetful Ernest for seven days
4.07 143 travel pounds. 130 lbs or bust, now or never, after one last meal at the new Panda Chinese Buffet!
4.08 A splurge at Panda Buffet yesterday boosted my weight to 145 lbs. The barn swallows are back and nesting again. Their persistent chirping woke me up this morning. Spring and summer beckon, stirring up thoughts of going for a long hike somewhere, maybe New Mexico the Land of Enchantment. I could start by doing practice hikes up the hill with full backpack. Breaking internet dependence will definitely be a challenge.
4.11 Camped on the hill last night. Planning a May-June hike from Silver City to Flagstaff in slow stages, revisiting Luna where I once spent a pleasant summer season (1995). Then explore higher trails in Colorado after the snow has melted. Because of my final headaches and the impatient rush to end my thru-CD hike in 1999, plus a month of daily rain without an umbrella, I would like to try Colorado again under better conditions. Or maybe Idaho. Then return to Alpine in November for a winter retreat, if all goes well, or possibly a monastic retreat somewhere. Internet access from my comfortable apartment in Alpine has been entertaining during the past seventeen months in Alpine, even addictive and useful at times, but like all experience it does not completely satisfy. Playing chess and browsing all kinds of news may actually distract from reaching the higher jhana states of meditation, if that lofty goal is still possible for me. I hope it is not too late even though my time and energy are running out. Doubt is said to be one of the five main hindrances to progress. This includes not only doubt about the truth of the teachings but also doubt about one's ability to reach the goal.
4.17 Changed my picture on my home page:
(Click on it to enlarge). Notarized a new Will at a law office in Alpine.4.24 The World Chess Championship match between Anand and Topalov started this morning with an inexplicable and disappointing blunder by the defending champion Anand, age 40. A grandmaster commenting on the game wondered if Anand might have forgotten a critical move order due the onset of dementia. Indeed, Topalov claimed before the match that his advantage was "+5", referring to his age five years younger than his opponent. No doubt Topalov has other advantages too, such as Anand's concession to play the full match in Topalov's home country of Bulgaria, and the volcanic eruption in Iceland which disrupted Aland's travel arrangements obliging him to make an exhausting 40 hour bus detour across eastern Europe. The remaining 11 games have yet to be played, but this may be an example of the decline of mental powers with age and a sedentary lifestyle. Anand has put on weight over the years while Topalov has maintained his lean and hungry form. This warns me that it is high time to reverse my own physical inactivity over the past 17 months in my comfortable Alpine apartment. My father's extreme degeneration due to obesity and inactivity is another stark warning. Like restless Ulysses, I am starting to remember my half-forgotten goal to "sail beyond the sunset and the baths of all the western stars until I die". Trains depart Alpine for New Mexico territory on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. Meanwhile in these last days I have been assembling my gear, tying up loose ends and appreciating all the good things of this pleasant abiding.
4.25 A short video and quasi-commercial for Costco describes a food drift box strategy by a young couple preparing for a thru-PCT hike. The eternal optimism of youth! Amused by their naive assumptions, I uploaded this comment #46: "I thru-hiked both the PCT (22 mpd, 1994) and the CDT (20 mpd, 1999). After experimenting with the drift box idea of mailing food to myself or depending on someone else for mail drops, I finally preferred just buying food along the way. Making necessary post office connections often distorted my schedule and caused mental stress. I also began to loathe a certain dehydrated bean product for which I had spent several hundred dollars. If you start out overweight, there will not be much appetite for the first month until the body shapes up, but later on everything tastes great with a few spices, even inexpensive generic food, whatever is available in a small country store. Sometimes I had strange cravings for vinegar. Once in a while I would detour off the trail to splurge on an extravagant all-you-can eat meal, well anticipated and fondly remembered. Snacking throughout the day is too much fuss for a long distance hiker determined to make mileage. Once you get in the groove you don't really want to stop moving or fiddle around with snacks. You just get used to being a little hungry most of the time. A thru-hiker should break camp early, get on the trail before sunrise, eat a satisfying breakfast after the sun has evaporated the morning dew (sometimes preparing lunch at the same time), then stop for a big lunch at midday, the main meal of the day. Rest after a big meal. Limit supper to soups or leftovers in order to sleep lightly and get going easily the next morning. See my home page http://www.jwleaf.org. Happy trails from Willis Whoa."
4.29 My imminent departure from Alpine to Deming via Amtrak train has been reserved for day after tomorrow, the first day of May. This is my last opportunity to review and update my website pages. I have been spell-checking the early journals and testing for broken links. My Gazette articles at the ALDHAW hiking website for the years 1998-2000 have disappeared. I have no backups for a whimsical article about "44 Uses for a Trail Bandana", but at least my 1999 CDT trail notes were preserved at my own website. Well, that is life, nothing lasts in this world. Looking ahead, anticipating once again a homeless itinerant lifestyle without daily internet access, I wonder how I will cope with the empty hours. Maybe plunge into physical activity to pass the time, and hopefully not sleep too much. Among the five hindrances, laziness or drowsiness definitely applies to me. My goal is to fully understood the Buddha's advice to his son Rahula, the motto on my home page: "Do not consider anything in this world to be mine, me or myself."
Today I walked over to the Alpine Holy Angels cemetery for the first time. Over this past year I had often wondered about it, seen from the summit of Sul Ross Hill, a long stretch of green juniper trees about a mile east of town. The cemetery is divided between Anglos and Hispanics with a treeless buffer space between them. The cemetery is larger and more populated than might be expected for such a small town as Alpine. Many married couples lie buried side by side in large square plots framed by cement curbs along with their children and even grandchildren. There must be a long history of Alpine families unknown to me. I wondered about some of the unexplained premature deaths and the evident heartache they caused. One Hispanic wooden cross, rare among many hard stones, plainly said "We love you" for a boy who did not reach 18 years. In time my own body will also decompose into the four elements of earth, fire, water and air. It does not matter where and I do not think anyone will mourn my passing. My age already exceeds the lifespan calculated from a fair number of tombstones there but the average lifespan would seem to be about 80 years.
4.30 Testing Kompozer running on flash drive, cutting the cord to the HP Elite desktop. The source code to my website has been copied to my small flash drive, along with the Kompozer, Filezilla and TrueCrypt applications.
5.14 Glenwood, New Mexico, public library. Amtrak train Alpine to Deming, New Mexico, 5/1, then Corre Caminos van to Silver City. Local hikes Little Walnut to Pinos Altos, then four day hike Mimbres to Lake Rogers return over Sentinel Peak. Then four day hike Gila to Glenwood. Today starting out for Reserve, New Mexico, by mountain trails, expect four days. Legs are building strength but my bunions and weak right knee present some issues. My right knee injury in 2000 ended my Idaho hike and led to my visit to Costa Rica and the adventure that unfolded there with Andarivel and my godsons. The same small membrane rupture which drains the joint oil into a pocket cyst behind the knee has never mended completely. Some stress pain begins after a few hours. The bunions have grown larger in recent years until beginning to affect foot flexibility. This was unexpected. Maybe I will have to limit my hikes to 10 or 12 miles a day as proposed in the original Whoa Way style of hiking.
5.19 Alma, New Mexico, general store. The news of my father's death this morning in a hospital in San Antonio was confirmed by a phone call made to my sister Julie, but I had a premonition of it two days before. I had been trying to hike from Alma to Reserve through the Gila National Forest, hoping to cover 40 miles in four days. However, the 13-year old Forest Service map falsely indicated abandoned trails which no longer existed. My attempt to cross Lost Lake Mountain was defeated. Then I tried to hike an alternate trail up Deep Creek, a stream about six feet wide and six inches deep winding through narrow clefts and gorges. The trail was mostly obliterated and heavily overgrown. I had to ford the creek repeatedly, more than 200 times, to make discouraging progress. Because of the chaos of an uncountable number of fallen logs and new growth, it took more than five hours to cover four miles. Then I noticed an unnamed tributary entering from the east by a 20 foot waterfall. Uncertain of my present position, I decided to leave the creek and try to cross beyond a high divide to reach a north-south road indicated on my map. However the tributary was even more cluttered than Deep Creek. When night overtook me I scraped a small platform on a steep 45 degree slope to spend a gloomy night. The next morning I continued slowly upwards. I reached the source of the tributary stream, then continued beyond it into a region of snow patches. After the tributary steam had been left behind, all sounds and colors faded away as in a dream. The earth seemed plastered by a mat of dead leaves uncovered by melting snow. Probably no other human had ventured into this drainage for at least a hundred years when the gold mines played out. Suddenly without any sound at all a shadow glided over my left shoulder and perched on a tree at eye level, so near to me that I could have touched it with my improvised wooden staff. It was a large owl. Its beautiful plumage of brown feathers with white spots gave it a round appearance which reminded me of the shape of my father's head. I paused and faced the bird which was silently staring at me. "Is this a message from my father?", I wondered. The owl made no movement or sound, just continued staring with a mournful expression in its large black round eyes. Wondering if this might be an inauspicious omen, I continued onwards. A hundred feet later, the owl once again soundlessly swept past my left shoulder and perched staring at me. The multiple layers of its thick plumage reminded me of the folds of loose flesh on my father's corpulent body. I moved on indecisively. Then for a third time the owl glided past my left shoulder and perched staring at me, never making a sound. Then I felt surely my father must have died because the sinister omen had been repeated three times in a ghostly scenario. Shortly afterwards, an impassible barrier of fallen timber forced me to turn back. It took the rest of the day to retrace my steps back down to Deep Creek, then descend to an abandoned miner's cabin containing grey drums for gold ore marked "26% concentrated crush tomato". The next day I covered 16 miles reaching the outskirts of Alma at sunset. Early the next morning at the general store my premonition was confirmed by my sister. I believe the last contact between my father and me occurred in that dream time on the mountain, if the silent presence can be called contact. It was typical of the silence between us . His last moments of consciousness would have been at about that time because he lapsed into a morphine-induced coma during his last days. He was not conscious of the moment of his last breath.
6.1 Flagstaff, Arizona, NAU Cline Library. I have finally reached Flagstaff and my old camp behind Mt. Elden after walking a good part of the way from Gila, New Mexico, to Glenwood, Alma, Reserve, Luna, Alpine (AZ) and Springerville, and then after accepting an offer of a ride to Show Low and another ride to Snowflake, hiking up to Woodruff and Holbrook on a dirt road across Navajo rangeland. It was a good warmup exercise for getting back in shape. My right knee and the bunions on both feet still complain after a few miles but a surgical fix will have to wait. The motive for this hike was the sorry example of my father's decline and death due to an unhealthy sedentary lifestyle. Witnessing his total loss of control shocked me out of my Alpine complacency. In fact I have given notice on my comfortable apartment there after 18 months without healthy physical activity. Instead I have set out to find another retirement community, preferably in a small town, with better medical facilities and a natural environment conducive to exercise, possibly the mountains of Oregon.
Meanwhile, during this period of itinerant homelessness, I may still be contacted in various ways:
1. By email to williswhoa@yahoo.com. Internet can be accessed at public libraries. I am not carrying the weight of any computer at this time, not even a netbook, slate or ipod.
2. By postal mail to my mail forwarding agent in Las Vegas, 848 N Rainbow Blvd #1163, Las Vegas NV 89107. My agent there can sign for certified or registered packages on my behalf as well as return a confirmation of delivery card if requested.
3. By postal mail to my Alpine apartment, valid until the end of June. This mail will not be forwarded to me on the trail but rather picked up at the end of June when I return to Alpine to close the apartment. After June, mail will be forwarded by the Alpine post office to my Las Vegas address.
4. By voice mail for my cell phone. Messages can be left even when the cell phone is turned off, which is most of the time, for several reasons. It is necessary to conserve the battery without ready access to an electric outlet. Moreover, verbal communication can be very disturbing with regard to maintaining a meditative state of mind, such as during a spiritual retreat. It is for this reason that "noble silence" is often maintained during a retreat. Talking can provoke waves of thought that persist for a long time, thinking about what was said or what was not said. My spiritual goal is not peace of mind in itself. I experienced an abundance of blissful peace in my Alpine apartment for 18 months. My goal, rather, is to obtain insight to see the world as it really is: impermanent, inherently unsatisfactory and not mine, not me, not myself. This kind of insight leads to dispassion, detachment and liberation from attachments which cause suffering. Peace of mind helps to obtain insight. Finally, voice communication may serve to outline main points but fail to convey important details more clearly expressed without confusion or misunderstanding in written form.
5. This page, my most recent news blog, may continue to be updated from time to time whenever possible. However it is only another form of verbal proliferation and as such may eventually be curtailed. I find that I spend a lot of time in camp planning what I am going to say, even scribbling notes on scraps of paper which I cannot read when I get to a computer.
The obituary of my father is considerably longer than my mother's. Neither of these obituaries, however, adequately describes the person as I knew them personally. Perhaps they may have known me differently than I see myself too.
6.7 Flagstaff, Mt. Elden camp. A record breaking heat wave has discouraged any local hiking but I am content to stay at my Mt. Elden camp in the shade beneath a large juniper tree, avoiding worldly news, trying to do a spiritual retreat like my Boonkanjanaram experience in Thailand. I removed stones and twigs from a small path to alternate sitting with walking. Although watching the breath serves to anchor wandering thoughts, returning awareness to the present moment, memories and fantasies still persist in coming up. It is really hard to sit still all day which is why it is helpful to have a walking path. I have been devising a neumonic system to help remember numbers by associating the ten digits with images. Here is my present scheme, which includes the essential four (or five) elements of earth, water, fire, air (and space):
0: hole, round things, sun, moon
1: tree, knife, cutting wind, air
2: pairs of things like Hansel and Gretel, balance, seesaw
3: triangle, pointed things, child of parents
4: square things: room, window; solid things: earth
5: bee hive, pain, fire, heat, light
6: hex tiles, coverings, cracks, net
7: math, music, arts
8: water, gate, exit
9: heaven, space
6.17 Flagstaff, NAU Cline Library. My visit to Flagstaff is winding down. Only today and tomorrow remain before my scheduled bus/train return to Alpine to close the apartment before moving to the state of Washington. High winds yesterday, a general feeling of restlessness and some disappointment over failing to obtain an optimum eyeglass prescription after several tries caused me to pack up, walk out of the forest and check into a motel, where I will probably stay tonight and tomorrow which is also forecast to be windy. It does feel odd to walk around without a pack on my shoulders. Over the past three weeks I managed to do some hiking in the surrounding mountains and even establish a second camp deeper into the forest called Far Oak. However my usual amount of hiking the past three weeks has been limited to about six miles daily with a 20-25 pound load, not really enough to keep my weight from creeping back up without vigilance in limiting calories at night. The subject of eating continues to concern me after witnessing with horror and disgust my father's total collapse primarily due to inactivity and obesity. His age, the complications from ill-advised surgery and the effects of anesthetic affecting his mind were only secondary causes, in my opinion. Obesity is a known reported lifetime risk for my genetic profile. On the plus side, the results of a blood test submitted two weeks ago are excellent: total cholesterol 124, HDL good cholesterol up from 35 to 68 (after stopping the Zetia prescribed by a different cardiologist), LDL bad cholesterol 43 (less than 70 target for my age), triglycerides 78 and liver normal. This encourages me to continue the regimen of 10 mg Rosuvastatin and 2,000 mg of instant release Niacin daily which Dr. Zinn prescribed for me.
I have not discussed my thoughts here about my Flagstaff retreat. Maybe more on this later. Neither have I kept up with worldly events or even learned the contents of my father's will. Nor have I given much thought to details about moving to Washington except for deciding to do it there instead of Oregon because of zero state income tax, ties to Seattle, interest in Asia and commitment to Buddhism.
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