1/3 An internet email account was created for my godson Fabian who will be starting secondary school at Tecnico. The nominal speed of my internet line at the Alpine apartment was boosted from 1.5 to 3 Mbps but actually reaches 5 Mbps according to speedtest.net. Explored the summit of the SR hill behind the university, an intriguing possibility for meditation practice outside of my apartment when not too cold or windy, as there is no shelter of trees on the rocky, dry-grass exposed slopes except for some desiccated Joshuas (yucca brevifolia) or a few stunted oaks (mesquites?) on the far side. However there is solitude, silence and majestic views.
1/5 Watching a lot of movies lately on a fast internet line. At AVCC the activities director Mary asked me to conduct bingo three afternoons a week. Since most of the elderly players speak Spanish, I started to call out the numbers in both languages until one woman insisted on English only. Then another man wanted single digits instead of compound numbers. Meanwhile a Chicana lady translated my English numbers for the benefit of a Chicano man, also hard of hearing. It feels strange to raise my voice to call out meaningless numbers. It's as if I am mad at someone for not understanding, but the one speaking nonsense is me. However it is not really nonsense, even though I may not understand the meaning of the separate numbers, because a pattern unfolds.
1/9 Jesus emailed a few photos of Andarivel but not the parts I would have liked to see, only where he cut the weeds.
1/10 A noisy party downstairs lasted until 1:17 am. Not even ear plugs could mute the vibrations coming up through floor and walls. This made me think about camping outside or going over to the nearby Bien Venido motel, but such a reaction would only cause more disturbance. Minor discomforts should be endured patiently remembering that nothing lasts in this world. It is not possible to be comfortable all of the time.
1/11 Another day wasted playing chess, a pastime that distracts my attention from more depressing thoughts. Watched a video of Swami Satchidananda sent by my sister. It reminded me of my relationship with him over the years, something like a father figure or guru, beginning with hope and trust but fading in disappointment. Our chemistry never really clicked. He gave me a name but I never felt sure of my standing with him. His message was always about selfless service, similar to the message of Jesus of Nazareth but without the prophet's emphasis on loving God above all else. However when the promise of peace and joy was not experienced by me after some years of volunteer service at the IYI, and in the stress of moving from the uptown center to the new downtown center, with the departure of some friends and the surfacing of some rumors, I quietly dropped out. Then after some months working as a janitor at a school in Brooklyn, I went back to college and got an engineering degree. I met Swami again some years later after a talk at Stanford. I touched his soft, expensive slippers and gave him the battery-driven electric motor which I had built as a fraternity pledge. Then again some years later, unhappy with a solitary life working as an integrated circuit design engineer, I wrote to ask him about putting on the orange robes. He replied that I could do so but on condition of staying in his ashram, not working outside. He did not invite me to come see him about it personally as he did the first time we met.
1/13 Among some other excellent films, I watched a very moving one called Mother of Mine about a war refugee abandoned by his mother until she sends for him again and the anguish of his foster mother on losing him after forming a deep attachment.
1/15 Uploaded some photos of Alpine taken from Sul Ross Hill.
1/17 Watched a DVD Please vote for me, an interesting documentary about three kids in a Chinese elementary school competing to be elected class monitor as an exercise in democracy. Their individual personalities and their relations with each other and with their parents seem as human as anywhere in the world except for more imagination and more empathy for others than expected in children. It was touching to see some of the boys shed tears and apologize to the shy girl candidate after realizing how their shouting discouraged her. The clear winner was the boy most qualified for the job but he was also helped by his politically savvy parents. If these children are the future of China, I feel hopeful for the world. I wonder what it would be like to teach such a fine group of children.
1/20 Inauguration of Barrack Obama. I hope we are not expecting too much.
1/23 For almost three weeks I have been watching a lot of movies from netflix, instantly available online or otherwise by postal mail, now that my December laptop has a working dvd drive, meanwhile observing my reactions to thoughts, desires, memories and feelings stirred up about subjects ignored for a long time, most of them depressing. I have also been heavily reading news and blogs on a wide range of subjects. I have also been playing chess games against the computer or watching grandmasters play online in real time, aided by a powerful chess engine called Rybka which reveals moves which even the grandmasters miss. My contacts with godsons in Costa Rica have also been maintained to the extent they and their mothers have kept in touch which however is not much. Here in Alpine I have no contact with anyone except occasional visits over at the nursing home. Without an outlet for aerobic physical activity I am spinning mental wheels, not getting anywhere. I struggle to sit down and watch the breath even though I know full well from a lifetime of experience that mental entertainment leads nowhere and many of the thought patterns that repeat endlessly are not even pleasurable. I am reminded of the Buddha's comment to the householder Mahanama who felt frustrated about his practice. The Buddha told him that as long as he had not experienced the higher bliss of the jhana absorptions in which a meditator can sit entranced for days without moving, he was still too much attached to pleasure even though he understood the teachings in theory.
My eating has slipped out of control lately. There are some foods so mouth watering that merely having them around presents an irresistible temptation. For example, a flour tortilla toasted on the naked burner of the electric stove, imprinted with brown spirals, then sliced in half and spread with huy fong sriracha chile sauce, creates a heavenly half moon tortilla sandwich. The only reliable defense against overeating is to keep the entire apartment completely empty at all times of all munchable snacks such as chips, cookies or candy, as well as all instant foods such as bread, tortillas, ramen noodles or even macaroni. In the morning I cook staples such as rice, lentils, split peas and fresh vegetables in my rice cooker, however even this can be overdone. I have considered not keeping any food at all in the apartment and consuming only what is obtained each morning at a supermarket or cafe, but there is no satisfying, vegetarian food at the local Mexican cafe except for the flour tortillas and mcdonalds food is pure junk. This leaves shopping at the supermarket each morning or maybe going over to the senior citizen Sunshine House if there is any vegetarian lunch served there, doubtful but to be investigated. An additional line of defense against overeating is to minimize drinking coffee which stimulates a nervous compulsion to eat.
1/26 Watched Into Great Silence, a documentary about life in the Grande Chartreuse monastery. Also rereading Being Nobody, Going Nowhere by Ayya Khema about Buddhist meditation. Also watched a documentary about Mother Teresa, A Life of Devotion. The first describes a spiritual path based on prayer and solitude, the second describes a path of meditation and loving kindness, and the third describes a path of devotion with emphasis on service. The Buddha once advised some villagers who did not know which wandering preachers to believe, that in the absence of certain knowledge, they should choose beliefs which promote virtuous conduct (see the sutta The Incontrovertible Teaching). Thus I think belief and devotion to a personal god are good for those who can believe. At least it is better than atheism, a nihilistic belief which cannot be proved any more than theism and which does not promote virtuous conduct. I remember a moving experience in high school of reading The Imitation of Christ by Thomas a Kempis. For several days a feeling of bliss filled my heart when I imagined that a god really cared for me. I even stopped worrying about my grades for awhile. I believe this universe may contain many heavens and gods, but which is the one for me I have not found out yet. I think we are all doing about the best we can.
1/27 Kitchen Stories is a quietly humorous Swedish movie about two old men in a research project which has one of them observing how the other one utilizes his kitchen. They are not supposed to talk but eventually of course they do. Relationships will inevitably form between anyone given sufficient contact. Later, however, when contact ends they may also fade away. Relationships will develop even in a monastery no matter what rules of silence may apply. Likewise I imagine something will develop at the Alpine nursing home if I continue going over there. Today, my first lunch at the Sunshine House senior center, was disappointing in the food department, really tasteless, institutional food scooped onto plastic food trays in small, measured portions. I sat down with some ladies at a table decorated with a paper rose but did not enjoy the experience of eating and talking at the same time.
1/29 Kinamand (Chinaman), a bittersweet Danish movie about a divorced plumber who agrees to marry a Chinese lady as a business arrangement to pay for his divorce, but discovers the deal is more than he expected. He experiences a gulf of loneliness and comes to understand that other people (his son, his ex-wife, his new wife) feel the same way.
2/1 Discovered a scattering of small oak trees high on the far side of Sul Ross hill, a remote undisturbed site perfect for meditation, comparable or better than former camps in Flagstaff, the Sonora Desert or Andarivel. No city sounds of barking dogs disturb the silence there, only wind whispering over grass. I have been spending too much time in my comfortable apartment attached to internet news, movies and chess. As developed in the Whoa Way of Hiking, I should get out on the trail early. I can prepare a cooked meal for lunch and take it with me in a plastic container. I told the nursing home coordinator that I will be taking a break from conducting bingo in the afternoons (she had been taking over anyway).
2/3 Ten Canoes, a very interesting story told within a story by a narrator off camera, involving aborigines in Australia. The narrator begins by telling us he is going to tell a good story but which is not our story, it is his story. And indeed it develops into an excellent story, spreading and growing like a tree. But now I wonder, what is my story? How can I weave the events of my life into a story which is my story, not someone else's story, my story at least until the threads unravel.
2/5 My doctor in Alpine is forwarding my case to a neurologist in Odessa because symptoms have been spreading and some loss of temperature sensitivity was detected in my forearm. I am not very concerned however.
2/6 Watched a well done dvd documentary about how the earth was formed, except that the creation of the moon was curiously omitted with the total loss of the first oceans. Arriving at the most recent ten thousand years, it was reported that the earth is now in a period between ice ages; glaciers will inevitably return to grind Manhattan skyscrapers into the sea. This is a refreshing antithesis to the dire warnings of global warming, which I do not doubt but view within a geological time frame. Meanwhile, sitting up on the hill during the mornings and looking out over the dry grasslands below reminds me of my former camps even before andarivel, again putting time into perspective. Thinking about the threads of my life story. When thoughts of regret come up, I label them as mere thoughts and return to breath awareness to stay centered in the present, my story here and now.
2/7 Watched the last dvd in my Netflix queue before suspending my account, having finally seen everything that I wanted to see. The dvd was Wheel of Time, a documentary about the Tibetan sand mandala ceremony filmed in Bodh Gaya, India, in January, 2002. It brought back memories of my visit there in January-February, 2005. There is an opening scene of the wide Niranjana River bed with some water visible in it. The bed was completely dry when I was there. The Tibetan Buddhist school practices meditation by visualization of images as compared with the simpler Theravada focus on the body and breathing, however all schools teach the four noble truths: suffering inherent in all impermanent experience, the origin of suffering, the end of suffering and the path leading to the end of suffering. The movie inspires me to devote more effort to the path I am treading, such as it is.
2/10 Discovered a novel idea to control overeating. See the story in A Bucket Measure of Food in my dhamma study notes. Not having someone at hand to recite this verse to me while eating, I have posted it in my kitchen as a reminder: "When a man is always mindful, Knowing moderation in the food he eats, His ailments then diminish: He ages slowly, guarding his life." I have restored tortillas and coffee to my kitchen, resolved however to avoid eating out of time, except for possibly one moderate tortilla with afternoon tea, following the example of the Buddhist monks having a light afternoon refreshment at Bodh Gaya. Some of those monks took years to reach the Bodhi Tree, prostrating body length by body length. At the very least I could sacrifice eating more food than I really need.
2/14 During the seasons when I camped in the sonoran desert near Lukeville, I would walk into town to get my food, then return to spend the day in camp, sometimes taking hikes to pass the time. Now in Alpine, it is the opposite: I stay in town most of the time and pass the time reading or navigating internet. I need more physical exercise, although my daily hike up the hill is worth something. I would like to spend more time outside, even days and nights, but it is hard to sit on a hill and do nothing but take naps in the sun, a peaceful abiding no doubt. Of course drowsiness is one of the five hindrances.
2/16 As mentioned in a dhamma talk by Bhikkhu Bodhi, the location of observing the passage of the breath should be the fine sensation at the upper lip instead of the general movement of the abdomen. It is more precise. It is like using the carbide tip of a hiking staff on a mountain trail instead of the blunt rubber tip on city pavement.
2/17 A neurologist in Odessa skimmed over my recent health history notes, asked a couple of questions about symptoms and made a few barefoot reflex tests, then concluded that my major nerves appeared to be undamaged, and as he believed testing for damage to the minor nerves would not be worth the cost, since my present symptoms do not keep me from sleeping at night, recommended postponing further diagnosis and treatment until "as needed". He didn't believe Vitamin B12 deficiency was the cause of the problem because the level had not been low enough. His office billed me $116 for this superficial ten minute exam and the Alpine community van trip charged $28. I have a better idea now of the difficulties of living in isolated Alpine if my condition should get worse, therefore might might have to relocate "as needed", or find a better neurologist and stay over in Odessa as required. Odessa does not have any public transportation.
2/19 My experiment with enjoying a moderate snack with afternoon tea escalated out of control. First the temporal window expanded, then the quantity of food. While I might still welcome an invitation to share an afternoon snack with someone, I think it is better to discontinue eating out of time when all alone. Coffee definitely increases craving for food.
2/23 One of my godsons asked if he could play chess with me online. So I activated Yahoo Messenger for more immediate contact with the handful of people who might want to reach me in real time. I practiced playing a chess game at playchess.com using both of my laptops, between my username and his, to be ready in case he asks me again. I am trying to spend more time on the hill. My wilderness beard is growing back.
2/25 Last night I carried my sleeping bag up the hill and spent the night there under an oak tree on a small leveled platform, first time outside in months. The winter is finished here (but not in Flagstaff). During the night a few grey browsing deer sniffed my presence and stamped away, snorting in surprise. I had forgotten the deep silence of the desert night, far away from apartment noises and the hum of computers always running in the background. I laid down under silent stars and sat up to witness the light of dawn silently unfold on the eastern horizon. Meanwhile, President Obama addressed the congress and quoted a letter from a student in South Carolina, Ty'Sheoma Bethea, who was invited to sit in the gallery next to the first lady for the occasion. The girl was wearing a tacky dress much too old for her and she seemed bewildered by the attention of the press, but when she was given a reassuring hug by the first lady, a beautiful white smile broke across her dark face. She had written a letter that said we are not a nation of quitters. Now I am asking myself if I am a quitter. It may be so, because the Buddhist way to end the mass of suffering which results from cravings for sensual enjoyments, also cravings to exist and cravings not to exist, is to quit the cravings. Even cravings for rebirth in heavenly realms may be dropped when one sees that the cycle of becoming never ends. Cravings to be reunited with loved ones, godsons, friends, and relatives in this life fade away over time. Arahants are described as having done what has to be done, their kamma finished. There is a short passage in the Samyutta Nikaya, Brahmanasamyutta 17, about a man who stumbles on the Buddha meditating in a lonely forest thicket. Curious, he asks the Buddha what kind of work brings him there? The Buddha replies, "There is nothing in the woods I need to do; Cut down at the root, my woods are dried up. Woodless and dartless, discontent cast off, I find delight alone in the woods." But that kind of solitude is not good for someone who still harbors unfulfilled cravings.
2/26 The warming weather has brought a change in my daily routine. I have begun to spend the nights outside on the far side of the hill. A violent windstorm broke the tree outside the south window of my apartment a few weeks ago. Now the unshielded exposure of the window to the heat of the sun has occasioned moving the two laptops to the cooler (but noisier) living room. I still have not mastered, after all these years, a stable sitting position that I can hold for an hour of time without budging. Actually, this stiff body hurts more or less all of the time, a consequence of old age, or maybe just of paying attention to it. I can sit without back support for hours in front of a computer. The pain is still there in the background but I ignore it or simply change position and go on with concentration. I might experiment with a folding camp chair to support the back. Sitting sideways Thai style is feasible even in a mummy sleeping for 20-30 minute intervals before shifting. Lying down always brings on drowsiness. Another way to cope with drowsiness is by walking meditation, and of course by eating less. Lately my eating has been controlled with weight down to 136 pounds.
3/8 Direct webcam connection using Yahoo Messenger with one of my godsons, Fabian, at his home in Costa Rica has renewed thoughts and memories of Costa Rica. I remember the quiet years before Costa Rica, homelessly wandering deserts and mountains, without concern for anyone. You might think you can turn your back on the world but it has a way of catching up with you. I should not worry if my gifts to my godsons go unused or misused. That is not in my control. A godson who is appreciative and eager to learn is actually more of a threat to my peace. The more attachment, the more danger. Concerning attachment, the Buddha said to analyze what is the gratification, what is the danger, what is the escape.
3/10 My experiment with using a folding camp seat to support the back did not work out satisfactorily, but a new lightweight rectangular sleeping bag seems promising because I can cross my legs in it, a change from my long use of narrow mummy bags. I received an email from the half-brother of one of my godsons asking for my academic support, promising that I would not be disappointed because he is a good student. I replied that if he truly wants to study then I am ready to help. Actually this comes at a time when I would prefer not to undertake new commitments. It reminds me of two occasions in the Buddha's life when he made a commitment to teach when he might have rather not. The first was soon after his enlightenment when he was inclined to do nothing further, considering that none might understand. A senior deity, Brahma Sahampati, appeared before him saying there might be some at least who would not have much dust in their eyes. Then the Buddha said that the door to the deathless was open. The second time was on the evening of his death, when a wanderer named Subhada (DN 16) wanted to ask him a question, but Ananda and the other elder monks tried to shield the Buddha from any disturbance. However the Buddha insisted on answering his question ("how to know a good teacher?" answer: look at the conduct of the disciples), then admitted him into the order as a final act of compassion.
3/11 First rain of the season caught me unprepared under open skies without cover for a long damp, cold night, but no harm done.
3/15 Jesus, Juan, Daniel and Ricardo logged onto a webcam from a San Isidro site. Jesus hopes to get a connection to his house soon.
3/18 In order to motivate more sitting practice, experimenting using a sunbeam digital kitchen timer which counts up to 99 minutes 59 seconds before repeating. Each day the achieved time can be logged onto a wall chart along with my weight. This idea is borrowed from long distance hiking where breaking a continental trek into manageable daily stages encourages a feeling of making progress when the ultimate goal stretches unimaginably far beyond the horizon. Memories of my former hikes are coming up lately now that spring is at hand.
3/20 Listening to some dhamma talks by Bhikkhu Bodhi, an American monk with a Brooklyn accent who translated the Digha Nikaya, the Majjhima Nikaya and the Samyutta Nikaya which I have been studying. At the conclusion of his talk introducing the four noble truths, he remarks that each truth has a duty associated with it: develop the path, understand suffering, abandon craving and realize liberation.
3.21 On second thought, keeping a log of time spent while practicing meditation seems like a childish form of spiritual materialism, like polishing a brick to make a mirror. Even so, sitting meditation practice, studying dhamma and listening to talks are necessary. Some effort must be made. I am fortunate to be able to get out of my apartment away from the computer to camp outside under open skies at night. A mere thirty minute walk in a vertical direction takes me from one world to another, almost like the suttas describe going from earth to heaven as quickly as flexing an outstretched arm. When I remember that I have spent years living outside like this, I wonder how I did it then and if I might do it again.
3.22 Making an effort to listen to if not understand the concepts of dependent origination and rebirth. I would rather not get stuck in cosmology, as the Buddha himself said that understanding the four noble truths was enough and gave the example of a physician drawing out a poisoned arrow. I do not understand how consciousness can spark across a gap between death in one place and conception in another, although physicists believe in a similar kind of pairing called quantum entanglement. Consciousness is one of the five aggregates defining a human being. It is defined in terms of the six senses, always dependent on the six senses, but at conception there can be no senses imaginable. How can a single fertilized egg cell have feelings, perceptions, mental formations and consciousness? Some Buddhists claim it does but my mind draws a blank. Memories of past lives would seem to require some kind of non-material storage medium. If not a soul which Buddhists reject, then what could it be? Western science, of course, also describes worlds we cannot see. My main complaint with western science is that it does not address the existence of consciousness, definitely a major part of my universe. Science tries to unify the four natural forces while ignoring consciousness like a gorilla in the living room. There might be, however, advantages to believing in rebirth, if disbelief could be temporarily suspended. It is argued that a belief in rebirth helps motivate the struggle to abandon cravings once and for all, to break the eternal cycle of deja vu suffering. The Buddha taught that we have all shed more tears than water to fill the ocean. The critical link in the twelve links of the chain of dependent origination is the space between feeling and craving. Craving is abandoned when objects of desire are clearly seen to be impermanent, painful and not self. Nevertheless I find sufficient reasons for abandoning craving which do not require believing in rebirth.
3.26 Completed and filed my federal income tax for 2008 using TurboTax online, always a great relief to get it done.
3.27 Still mulling over cosmology, karma and rebirth. I think I probably do not see the universe as it really is. I see it as a universe of swirling galaxies with me existing somewhere far down in one particular galaxy in a particular time. Even if I concede there might be realms I cannot see, such as sensual realms, fine material realms and immaterial realms as in the grand Buddhist view, with ghosts, demons, animals, humans, angels and deities above deities, or dark matter, dark energy and black holes as in the scientific view, my limited egocentric view assumes my existence in a universe outside of me and infinitely larger than me. This may not be true. The universe may be a projection of consciousness, that gorilla in the living room. For example, this body of mine is experienced as a heap of assorted sensory feelings which are mental in nature, considering the six senses/objects one by one: sight/form, hearing/sound, smell/odor, taste/flavor, touch/tangible, mind/thoughts. So? So I can't be sure of views. Concerning karma and rebirth, I do not believe in them or disbelieve in them. However I do believe in the four noble truths as confirmed by personal experience.
4.02 Last night some gusty winds plus a mood of restlessness plus some hunger resulting from unusual exercise clearing rocks from a trail caused me to break my solitary camp and retrace my steps by moonlight to the quiet security of my apartment. A silent array of computer lights gleamed reassuringly as I let myself in the door. All was calm, everything in its place. My isolation and lack of exercise in Alpine are beginning to concern me considering the long term prospects, not having a safety net of friends here or confidence in my medical care. This may be a case of spring cabin fever. I am wondering how to resume a more active lifestyle without getting entangled in owning and maintaining property like Andarivel. I wonder if I could manage another long distance hike with all the physical and mental stress that entails. The link to this page was removed from my default email signature since no one seems to be reading it.
4.08 The Rybka chess engine is the most powerful chess program in the world. It has an elo rating of more than 3200, higher than the elo rating of 2783 of the current human world chess champion Viswanathan Anand. I can spend hours or even waste an entire day absorbed in playing over Rybka's amazing games against other computers or human grandmasters who dare to take it on. I also use Rybka to kibitz human games, even during tournaments in real time. The suspenseful question then becomes, "Will the human player see the best move?" However, this addiction to chess consumes time and energy that could otherwise be devoted to meditation practice which my untamed mind resists. My time is frittered away in idle pastimes (or sleep), breaking the seventh precept which considers the mind to be a sixth sense with thought as its object, like the five physical senses have their respective objects. Like all sensual contacts, thoughts may be pleasant, painful or neutral, and they are impermanent, unsatisfactory and not self, therefore not worth chasing after. After Ven. Thanissaro had given me the eight precepts, I asked him once if "reading science fiction" counted as "watching shows or listening to music", violations of the seventh precept. He replied "No" but did not explain the difference. I did not press for an explanation because I did not want to add to the list of prohibitions, a "don't ask, don't tell" policy. I was recently reminded of the dangers of chasing after pleasurable sensory contacts by the story of the Thief of Scent (see full story in Dhamma Study Notes). This bhikkhu was criticized for merely smelling a red lotus flower.
4.09 Thursday, Easter week. Declaring an Easter Internet Recess. In order to rekindle a sense of urgency for meditation practice, resolved to abstain from all internet access through Easter Sunday except for one and only one morning email check and essential maintenance. Messenger notification of incoming news will be disabled. No browsing of world news. No chess. This recess may be extended or modified after Easter Sunday if all goes well.
4.11 Three javalinas foraged near my camp last night, breathing noisily, moving slowly in single file. I could dimly see their black profiles in moonlight about twelve feet away, but before I could put on my glasses and shine a flashlight for a better view, they moved off through the tall grass, indifferent to my presence. I also happened to see a grey fox early in the morning last month. This morning I watched a group of five whitetail deer effortlessly leap up the slope of the opposite hill to the very crest. When I consider how animals like these often pass unobserved unless I remain very still, I wonder if my churning mental activity prevents seeing other kinds of beings such as protective devas. I still remember the astonishing discovery of an anteater browsing one night near my camp in Andarivel. Frightened by the bright flashlight, it tried to hide under the shallow overhang of a large boulder. When I looked under the shelf the next morning it was gone.
4.13 Survived without voluntary access to internet, world news or chess for a few days. Due to the proliferation of television in public places, I was exposed to a few whiffs of world news not by choice. The experience highlights what I have come to suspect, that I have become attached to browsing information as a way of passing the time, especially without any compulsory work to do. What is the harm in this? Failing to reach the jhana absorptions.
4.16 A gate was closed that used to be open. The afternoons are warming up with cumulus cloud tops flared by sheet lightning after sunset.
4.17 New camp #5. Hauling up a quart of water for the tree. The deer are getting to know me. New floor fan to ventilate the apartment when the balcony door is closed because of smoke rising from the barbecue below. May stay on in Alpine longer, like that river log that washed up after a surge. The Buddha said that if the sangha is not available for companionship in support of the holy life, then at least he can be thought of as a good friend (Maggasamyutta 2, Half the Holy Life, p. 1524 SN). This might seem to be backsliding into religious faith or a childish belief in an invisible friend but it might be useful anyway. The Buddha did not claim to be a personal savior, only a good friend. He told his disciples they have to work out their own liberation with diligence. Diligence is needed to overcome the five hindrances of lust, ill will, sloth and torpor, restlessness and remorse, and doubt.
4.18 Depressed by the reoccurence of a mild but persistent burning sensation at the very tip of my fissured tongue, fearing it might be the onset of a stage of peripheral neuropathy more troublesome than mere numbness or tingling, binged out by overeating an entire package of tortillas rolled into burritos stuffed with cucumber dill humus and sriracha chile sauce, meanwhile wasted the entire day until midnight playing over Rybka chess games.
4.19 Tabulated data from the past week measuring urine flow rate versus volume, then plotted a regession fit using an online math plotting tool and printed the screen shot using the Vista snipping tool. This baseline data will be compared with the results from taking tamsulosin over the next week, an experiment to see if the drug makes an appreciable difference. An appointment has been scheduled with an internist MD in the nearest town, Marfa, at the earliest available date, May 26 [sic], to discuss peripheral neuropathy, BPH, androgen deficiency, blood pressure, fissured tongue and genetic profile, for starters.
4.22 Today is Daniel's fifteenth birthday, tomorrow is Fabian's thirteenth. Reviewed and repaired broken links to my 22 day fast in Mineral Wells in 2002. That account mentions a fifteenth birthday (7/23/87) letter sent to Cristian during that fast, seven years ago. How time flies. Another fast with some fruit juice was started 4/21 to reduce possible cholesterol buildup affecting blood pressure (was a good 111/65 back then).
4.24 Finally understood how tidal locking operates between the earth and moon, thanks to Wikipedia, and also why the moon's orbital radius increases as its rotation slows down, by conservation of angular momentum. A whimsical thought: if my mental rotation slows down, will my elevation increase? It is hard to break dependence on internet as a source of mental entertainment without having anything else to do. After awhile pain becomes boring. After awhile even chess becomes boring. The more the world news changes, the more it seems the same. In computer chess, sometimes positions will freeze into static equilibrium. Then the superior program (Rybka) may make some noncommittal positional moves waiting for the other program to imprudently break the symmetry. If that happens, it will jump into the chaos to seize the opportunity. Even when nothing seems to be happening, something is happening.
4.27 About philanthropy, weighing decisions about charitable donations. Giving money to reduce the widespread misery of hunger, disease and ignorance around the world is meritorious. But so is giving to support higher education and scientific research, and giving in support of spreading the Buddhist Dhamma, the supreme remedy for suffering. How shall I make these choices with a finite amount to give? If the root cause of suffering is craving, the ultimate solution is to abandon craving. This is not a teaching most people understand or want to accept, and I cannot force it on them or even want to persuade them. It is enough for me to investigate it in my own life until it is clear beyond any doubt. If I support spreading the Buddhist Dhamma, it might be preaching to the choir, although obtaining the Majjhima Nikaya was important to me. Maybe poor people need food, medicine, education and contraception (but not abortion) more than Dhamma books, at least according to conventional thinking. Unsure which way is best, I am looking for a balance by donating to various causes. However, giving to individual persons such as by monthly stipends to godsons has been disappointing. I would rather find ways to give that do not involve personal contact. I don't relish playing the role of godfather and I don't have an ambition to accumulate merit for heavenly rebirth or human rebirth. My motive in giving is to distribute what will be taken from my control sooner or later anyway, meanwhile hopefully reduce some of the suffering present everywhere. The Buddha said that the whole world is in flames.
4.29 About rebirth. If I don't have a lot of faith in the concept it doesn't mean I believe it is impossible, just that my provisional belief is not supported by a compelling reason. The doctrines of kamma and rebirth reinforce moral conduct, therefore they are wholesome even if not scientifically verifiable, but there are other good reasons for moral conduct. By explaining every event as the result of past karma in this life and previous lives, nothing is explained. It is a hypothesis that cannot be verified even in the present life because of the interwoven effects of unknown previous lives. The suttas say that previous lives can be remembered. They say that the Buddha was often asked to report on the destination of some deceased person, and he would say what it was. The Buddha said that he remembered all of his previous lives, hundreds of thousands of them. I personally know one person who told me he remembers a former life. Therefore these doctrines could be true but I do not see an urgent reason to believe in them. If there is no soul, and Buddhism is very emphatic on this point, then what difference should it make to the present person whatever may be the destiny of some other person in a future life? At best it is like giving a present to someone else or passing a baton. Also, if the cycle of samsara has no discoverable beginning and we have all shed more tears than water in the ocean, then what difference will it make in the long run to take a temporary vacation in heaven before resuming the human condition, especially when there will be no memory of the dream? The Buddha said that suffering is inherent in all experience. This must also include heaven, "a ticket to ride and he don't care", for those who have the wisdom to see it. Thus a hope for favorable rebirth is really short sighted. The true destination should be nibbana, here and now, meaning release from all attachments including the desire for heaven or a favorable rebirth. Concerning moral conduct in this life, the motive should not be hope or fear for a future rebirth, but longing for release from suffering right here and now, by insight into the sorrow that springs from craving.
5.02 The weather is getting hot. A floor fan has replaced the heater. It is becoming clear that my expectations were too high for a close internet connection with godsons in Costa Rica. Even with Fabian, the only one to have successfully obtained a connection from his house including webcam, our contact is limited by my own available schedule such as my absence most nights. Besides facing these technological barriers, they are handicapped by poor reading and writing skills, products of their culture, and they may also be losing interest as our separation wears on.
5.07 The internal core temperature of the Intel Mobile Core 2 Dual P7350 processor of my main laptop was reported by a diagnostic program to have reached a sizzling 91 degrees C in the heat of the afternoon in my second floor apartment. The maximum operating temperature of the processor is 90 deg C (194 F). The ambient room temperature was 33.3 deg C (92 F). Feeling the heat radiating from the laptop, I shut it down for a few hours. According to climate charts, Alpine, Texas, elevation 4570 feet, should peak at about 90 deg F during June, not so bad. Today was unusually hot, peaking at 101 deg F. I had not planned to spend the summer here but a kind of intertia or despair of finding better keeps me from relocating. A day like today, if it is a taste of worse to come, raises the thought of leaving. I even wonder about visiting Costa Rica again, if only to consult a neurologist about peripheral neuropathy, but I have already been there, done that.
An update from the deCODEme lab reached me. Some new risk factors were added to my genetic profile and the lifetime risk for some others has been changed. The disease for which I am at highest risk, even more than heart attack, is obesity. This reminds me of the absolute necessity to restrict caloric input in the absence of vigorous exercise. I am considering the Buddha's recommendation to limit meals to one per day. He says in the Bhaddali Sutta (MN 65), "Bhikkhus, I eat at a single session. Come, eat at a single session. By so doing, you too will be free from illness and affliction, and you will enjoy lightness, strength, and a comfortable abiding." That sutta is about a recalcitrant bhikkhu who refused to eat only one meal a day. When Bhaddali realized how his attitude was excluding him from the company of the other bhikkhus, he repented and begged forgiveness. The Buddha took him back after a severe scolding.
5.09 Successfully keeping to one meal a day, at least for a start. Added another shelf to the computer bench to reorganize devices and accommodate a small 4 inch fan blowing directly across the main laptop. It has reduced the core temperature below critical. Made online contact with Venerable Bhikkhu Bodhi, translator of the Nikayas.
5.12 Doubt is one of the five hindrances [lust, anger, laziness, restlessness and doubt]. I have always had plenty of it. Doubt about Santa Claus disillusioned me from believing in grownups. Doubt about the absence of dinosaurs mentioned in the Bible led to my loss of faith in the Christian God (singular). When I first learned about Buddhism in high school, it seemed a breath of fresh air because of what I thought was its agnostic position. It was only much later after reading more of the Buddhist suttas that I learned that Buddhism too has its own cosmology. Concerning the essential Four Noble Truths, I am in complete agreement. They explain my own life experience. To the degree that I have let go of cravings while aging, my emotional distress has diminished. However the concepts of karma and rebirth conflict with my scientific beliefs. For example, while it is not so hard to allow for the possibility of multiple invisible realms of the universe, devas over devas, I have a problem reconciling the Buddha's claimed remembrance of 100,000 former births with the known age of the modern human species which migrated out of Africa 70,000 years ago, according to the universal shared ancestry of the Y chromosome among all human males at present (except of course for the earlier African tribes which did not cross the Red Sea). Assuming about 16 years per generation, this interval of time spans around 4,375 generations, much less than the 100,000 lives the Buddha said he remembered. Further, the quality of life that the Buddha describes for his former lives is exactly the same as his current era. There is a naive assumption of cultural continuity across thousands of years, not plausible even by Buddhist criteria. Was the Buddha remembering lives on other planets or parallel universes or former universes (eons)? He himself warned against getting stuck in views. I usually try to avoid sinking into these quicksands or teaching these doctrines to others. This is one reason I could not be a bhikkhu, because of the social obligation to teach Dhamma in return for lay support, although there may be some who remain silent.
Today I came across a sutta (MN 130 The Divine Messengers) where the Buddha graphically describes horrible torments in various hells. One problem I have with this is not the existence of hells but the extreme severity of torment there as punishment for acts done in a former birth. Another problem is what purpose punishment might serve if there will be no memory of it in a future rebirth. It would seem that beings in hell do remember their former life, because Yama asks them questions about it to judge them. However, after passing from hell to a human birth, there is no memory of hell. How can punishment serve any redeeming purpose if there is no memory of it? On the other hand, remembering hell might be punishment unfairly added to punishment, and remembering heaven might be bliss unfairly added to bliss. If the denizens of hell do not in fact remember their former lives, then their suffering would have to be accepted by them on faith as the karmic result of unknown deeds, just as humans experiencing bad karma cannot remember their former misdeeds except for deeds done in the present life. It seems cruel to be punished without knowing why. Is the universe cruel? The Buddha teaches that all experience is suffering.
I wonder if donating mosquito nets to end malaria in Africa, possibly one of the hells on planet Earth, might do more good than distributing books of early Buddhist teachings to poor monasteries. The Buddha taught that the merit of gift-giving depends on the virtue of the receiver, therefore a gift to the Sangha is worth more in theory than a gift to a worldling person. However I am not especially attached to the goal of accumulating merit, therefore this slightly self-serving formula does not fully persuade me. It did have some influence for one recent donation. A more important criteria may be, among all the kinds of suffering everywhere, what is the worst kind that I have experienced and can do something about? Looking to my own life, relatively free of physical suffering except for some isolated episodes, the mass of suffering has been mostly mental. Therefore I am more inclined to donate to support moral instruction and knowledge which liberates from misery.
5.13 Made a small online donation to plant eight trees in the Caledonian Forest in Scotland. At a local optometrist's clinic (the only one in Alpine) advertising a special discount for exams, a posterior subcapsular cataract was diagnosed in my left eye, the worst kind. The right eye has a different kind of cataract, smaller, not so serious. The OD optometrist did not include the name of the second kind on the one-line report of his printed diagnosis. While he was telling me the bad news about the cataract from across the dark room, his assistant approached from the side and unnoticed by me dropped some anesthetic drops into my eyes, without asking if I was allergic, which I am to lidocaine. Afterwards I was told the anesthetic used was proparacaine. Then the OD flipped the lenses of the phoroptor to demonstrate the new prescription, but the result was worse than with my present glasses. I told him that getting new glasses would not be of any use. Then I was escorted to the front desk and presented a bill for more than the advertised discount, padded with an unsolicited so-called "refraction" test, obviously intended to milk Medicare. At that moment I also realized that the eye drops had left a residual bad feeling under my eyes. Three bad news in sequence: cataract, over billing and paresthesia. When confronted about the over billing, the OD claimed the extra test was for glaucoma. He said glaucoma was not detected but this finding did not appear on the record. I feel a little despondent about the experience. I also feel worried about facing medical problems and old age in an isolated community without friends, even though excellent in other ways. I might try spending a few months in Flagstaff to attend to the medical issues, meanwhile retain the apartment here as a backup.
5.14 Well unfortunately, as feared, the paresthesia under the eyes has not subsided completely. When I try to focus on the pleasant sensation of coolness of my breath passing the nostrils, the sensations of numbness, tingling and burning elsewhere in my face and body are like dark clouds surrounding a small point of light. It takes steady concentration to stay with the light. Today is the day for making monthly transfers to my Costa Rican families. I have decided to make a final lump sum distribution of the balances stored until now in the local banks, instead of continuing to dribble out monthly payments via internet. The nominated beneficiaries on the accounts have drifted out of balance, but Costa Rican law does not allow for updating them except by my personal physical presence. I cannot appoint a lawyer to represent me without having physically signed his protocol book beforehand. Other than my flying down to Costa Rica or the lawyer flying up here with his protocol book, the only third option is to appear in person at the nearest Costa Rican consulate in Houston, Texas, almost as much trouble as flying to San Jose.
5.15 Preparing my Gateway laptop for shipment to Juan. Sent an email letter announcing my decision to withdraw from active administration of the monthly stipends for my godsons. The funds, responsibility and control will be transferred to their mothers, like an inheritance before my death. In the letter I affirm my desire to free my mind from thoughts of disappointment and sadness. My weight has dropped to 132 pounds and I am not even fasting except for limiting meals to one a day. My current BMI = 21.0. Lowest healthy weight for BMI=19 would be 121 lbs for my height (BMI formula = 703 * lbs / inches*inches). Obese threshold is BMI > 30, or 192 lbs for my height of 67 inches.
5.19 Atlantis released Hubble today and I released my Gateway MT6723 to Juan. Transfers to Costa Rican bank accounts are "in work".
5.20 Dr. Sanchez prescribed a drug called gabapentin for nerve pain. My nervous condition has not reached a painful stage keeping me awake at night, but I was curious to know if drugs might help in the future. Unfortunately a single low-dose 300 mg capsule made me feel woozy and sleepy for the whole afternoon, very uncomfortable. Drowsiness is one of the five major hindrances. If this is the only drug remedy short of morphine, I would rather keep a clear mind and bear the pain, if that is not too brave. The paresthesia around the eyes is more disconcerting; it seems so unnecessary. It could have been prevented by a little more mindfulness, but it should subside in time. I have purged my browser of news links to NYTimes, Gnews and Digg, and probably will close Messenger too. After the bank transfers are completed, my Costa Rican preoccupations should fade into the background while I steady my restless mind in meditation. Frittering the time away in mental diversions like chess or browsing internet doesn't really satisfy. Supposing that I could plunge into some vigorous physical activity with the same enthusiasm as uprooting coffee stumps and planting trees at Andarivel or hiking from Mexico to Canada, a glorious adventure, this would only detour from the greater challenge of sitting. However at least I should try to take a walk every day.
5.28 Solveig [sings softly]
Sleep thou, dearest
boy of mine!
I will cradle thee, I will watch thee—
The boy has been sitting on his mother’s lap.
They two have been playing all the life–day long.
The boy has been resting at his mother’s breast
all the life–day long. God’s blessing on my joy!
The boy has been lying close in to my heart
all the life–day long. He is weary now.
Sleep thou, dearest boy of mine!
I will cradle thee, I will watch thee.
The Button–moulder’s Voice [behind the house]
We’ll meet at the
last cross–road again, Peer;
and then we’ll see whether—; I say no more.
Solveig [sings louder in the full daylight]
I will cradle thee, I
will watch thee;
Sleep and dream thou, dear my boy!
5.31
Another
month come and gone. Thinking about the recalcitrant monk
Bhaddali (see my previous entry 5.07) who reminds me of me, and also
thinking about Peer
Gynt who reminds me of me. Bhaddali (MN
65)
stubbornly refused to follow the rule about not eating out of time.
He finally repented after a season of isolation from his
peers. Before taking him back into the fold, the Buddha
scolded
him severely and made him beg for forgiveness three times.
The conclusion is that there
is no way to get to the goal without following the rules.
As
members of an elite group, monks are expected to follow more
stringent rules to reach higher goals. Now I am not a
monk but I try to follow some of their rules. The rules which I
promised to
follow in a formal ceremony before Ven. Thanissaro at Wat Metta in 1996
are the Eight
Precepts
which include not eating out of time. However,
without the
support of peer pressure, living in isolation as I do, it has always
been a struggle to stick to this rule one hundred percent.
But like
Bhaddali I always come back to it because I clearly see the benefits.
It is a gradual training that takes years to develop.
As
for my peripheral status outside monkhood, this reminds me of
Peer Gynt in Henrik Ibsen's poem. Peer never committed to a
lasting relationship with anyone during a long lifetime of
adventure.
He wore many hats but never married and raised children, and
he
walked away from the one person who always loved him and waited for his
return (Solveig), apart from
his mother who died. At the end, after returning as an old
man to
his
long abandoned home, he realizes that he has never "been himself", like
an onion without a core.
The button-moulder intends to melt him down as a person of no
substance, unfit for either heaven or hell, unless someone can witness
to his true existence. Solveig claims he has always existed
in her faith, in her hope, in her love.
6.03
Changing
my home page slogan from the Spanish phrase "Pasajera es la vida,
dolorosa y vacia", to an American English phrase "Not mine, not
myself", a condensation of the sutta refrain, "This is not
mine, this I am not, this is not my self." See MN
62: The Greater Discourse of Advice to Rahula.
This new slogan places more emphasis on the third mark of
existence, the characteristic mark of being empty of self.
My
email signature simply points to my website as "home page http://jwleaf.org"
6.05
The
three barn sparrow chicks left their nest. They are perched
on
the balcony railing now looking out at the world for the first time.
The photos
also show the improvised platform the mother built near the nest when
the growing chicks began to overflow the cramped space. Juan
finally received his computer but his mother had to go to San
Jose with him to pick it up from customs.
6.07
Added a google translate gadget to this page for my
Spanish speaking godsons in case they may be interested for awhile.
6.10 An
Asus
Eee 1002HA 10-inch netbook arrived, a tiny little thing.
It
may serve as a portable backup to my HP
15.4" laptop but it is really too
small for
comfortable use. My broken right ring finger tends to lock up
when extended. Reading the autobiography of J. Craig Venter, A
Life Decoded, also some light science fiction stories by Arthur
C. Clark.
Drinking coffee puts a lot of pressure on the resolve to
limit
diet to one meal a day. I should make it easy on myself and
just give up caffeine completely. The Buddha talked about
the
dangers of indulging in the "five cords of pleasure" (the five senses)
and the escape from them. Remembering my genetic risk of
heart
attack and monitoring my weight every day helps control excessive
eating,
but it is always a struggle, especially during moments of doubt and
depression. I often seem to hear music in the background
mixed with the sound of the
electric fans.
6.14
The new little Asus netbook has been installed in my
bedroom
to serve mainly as a gentle alarm clock. I am not using
Messenger any more. I noticed that I was constantly
checking for email or hoping for contact with my godsons, a
craving that resulted in disappointment. To
my surprise, today I discovered that my apartment has a functioning air
conditioning unit. The wall thermostat was always in plain
sight
but I never thought to switch it on. Unfortunately it doesn't
get
really cool, however. The summer heat in west
Texas has been
increasing. It has been necessary to limit the laptop CPU
usage
to 70% or even 60% while crunching Rosetta@home data.
The
temperature of the CPU core has been crowding the maximum
operating limit of 90 degrees C even with the help of a small fan
blowing across the computer. For several days now the laptop
which Juan
received as a gift from me has stopped sending data to Rosetta@home.
No news, no
explanation given. I
should not let it concern me. Just let it be. The
Buddha
taught that nothing should be regarded as mine or myself.
6.17
Received a gift of an autographed book and some CD
talks from Bhikkhu Bodhi. Osel
Hita Torres
recently in the news, confirmed as a child by the Dalai Lama to be the
reincarnation of a Tibetan teacher, has disrobed to start a career as a
film director in Spain. Siddhartha
Gotama
also broke with his family's expectations as a young man. No
one
expects much of me at my age, as far as I know, unless my own
expectations count, and they are uncertain.
6.19
Updated my billfold calling
card.
The background noise of the apartment air conditioner blends
with
the other two fans to create harmonics of at least five distinct tones.
My mind tends to "play" them up and down in an arbitrary
order or sometimes a repetitive order. By merely focusing
attention on
any one of the
harmonics, it stands out distinctly from the others, but the
movement-melody is
entirely in my own mind. I have given up my
experiment of
limiting meals to a single session per day, in spite of the Buddha's
example (but not a rule). Instead I will just continue to
follow
the sixth precept avoiding eating after midday until dawn.
Eating one and only one meal a day causes problems
sleeping at night
due
to gnawing hunger pains (of course that may be part of the
reason
for it, to avoid sleeping too much), and eating a full meal just after
dawn invites drowsiness the rest of the morning. I have
definitely cleared my apartment shelves of coffee, however. Once in a
while I might go out to get a (weak) coffee at a convenience store but
I will
not keep stores in my apartment any more because the habit gets out of
control. Likewise I avoid storing snacks or instant foods in
my
cupboards, including ramen noodles or flour tortillas which I cannot
resist. My main morning meal staples are rice, lentils, split
peas,
barley, fresh new potatoes, brussels sprouts, broccoli, and canned
beans.
6.20
Received an unexpected gift of some books from Chuan
Yen monastery, a nice gesture.
6.21
Father's
Day and summer solstice. On the phone Dad says he has a
stubborn
toenail
fungus like mine, something that we have in common. I need
to do something to get back in shape.
Today I felt stiff and tired from doing nothing more than
bending over and clearing rocks from a trail for half an hour.
Because of the
oppressive daytime heat, I plan to set my alarm to 5:00am, then sit in
meditation for half
and hour while the day's breakfast and lunch is cooking, then get out
at the crack of dawn for physical
exercise, as outlined in my "Whoa Way"
method of long distance hiking. Alpine has been the
fulfillment
of dreams for a meditation retreat free from the distractions
of
busy projects and personal attachments as in Andarivel, in spite of the
summer heat and solitude.
Each new day has opened and closed a paragraph in the journal
of
my virtual hike to nowhere. Reviewing my weight chart taped
on
the wall above the digital scale, I note a progression of
uneventful days winding back to the past.
6.22
Without
coffee available in the apartment, sometimes in the early afternoon
(but not late) I walk over to an instant
food place such as McDonalds (senior coffee only 50 cents but
with
enough kick to keep me awake at night). It is interesting to
see
all the people, servers and customers. However,
snacking on a candy bar or a cookie or a hot cherry pie with the coffee
is going too far.
Not only do such minor snacks conflict with the sixth precept
to
refrain from eating out of time, strictly speaking, they also
conflict with the seventh precept to refrain from chasing after sensual
pleasures. I remember how a Thai monk living at Wat Metta
once
asked me to hand him the coffee jar because he was not allowed to help
himself. I asked him if he wanted to stay awake at night.
He said no, he just liked coffee.
6.23 My
weight has been holding steady at 137 lbs this year (BMI 21.6, not bad,
if my height is still 67 inches), however the distribution of fat on my
body has been changing. Abdominal fat and love handles have
increased due to lack of exercise, with a decrease of muscle
mass
elsewhere in the body, all this in spite of a strict calorie restricted
diet. Therefore lately I have started to make more effort to
get
out in the cool of dawn to hike and maintain trails on the nearby Sul
Ross hill. It is a blessing to have this hill available.
Strangely, I continue to hear soft harmonious tones in the background
almost all of the time, especially blended with the sound of the fans,
as the apartment air conditioner does not work well. The
soothing
music sounds like violin strings and muted french horn or trombone.
6.26
A bad case of hiccups has possessed my little Asus
netbook. A handy diagnostic program called Process
Explorer reports an excessive load of as much as 40%
on the CPU due to "hardware interrupts", for unexplained reasons.
The
performance of the netbook has slowed to a crawl. I
don't
know if I can fix it. I have combed for viruses
and tried
updating some of the hardware drivers without effect. Further
analysis will require time and patience and consulting online technical
forums. I might have to write off the netbook as a
failed experiment and order a more powerful replacement computer, such
as a fast desktop with an external air-cooled chassis better suited to
the Texas summer heat than my HP laptop, but I have to say Whoa!
and ask myself Why? Why should I worry about the
decline in
the Team Mulberry Treehouse score at Rosetta@home, just because Juan
has unplugged his computer, the first member of the team,
another
unexplained mystery. If my main motive is to have a
backup
computer in case of a sudden hard drive failure, since nothing lasts in
this world, I could buy another computer in that event and
restore the system using archives from an external drive or from my
domain jwleaf.org. However there would be an interruption of service
for a couple of weeks. I am thinking it over.
Meanwhile,
getting out in the early morning has been good. My body
complains with fatigue and hunger. A certain peevish fox on
the
hill has barked at me repeatedly on two occasions in the dawn light
before sunrise for interrupting his morning routine. Each
time he
barks I answer calmly, "Upe?" meaning "Is anyone at home?" We
have direct eye contact.
6.27
Restored
the Asus, thanks to google search and online forums, proving the power
of internet sharing of information. A driver for the IDE ATA
storage controller had to be uninstalled, via Control Panel - System -
Hardware - Device Manager. This took a leap of
faith.
On reboot, the system discovered the missing driver and
reinstalled it correctly.
Decided with some misgivings to order a more
powerful computer as a system backup, an HP
Pavilion Elite M9510F Desktop PC with an HP
20 inch LCD monitor.
Even though the little Asus cannot handle large tasks, it can
still serve as a digital timer and a minor team player with Mulberry
Treehouse. The new Elite desktop features a quad Intel Core 2 processor
clocking 2.33 GHz with 8 GB RAM running Vista Home Premium,
upgradeable to Windows 7 in late October free of charge. I
hope my
meditation practice will not be diverted too much by this.
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