9/18/07 David, Panama. Farewell, Andarivel. Negative liver and thyroid blood tests in San Jose did not identify the problem. I miss the deserts and mountain forests of Arizona and will qualify for Medicare there after my 65th birthday on October 11. Said goodbye to my godsons and most of my friends. Gave my laptop to Daniel and the printer to Jesus. My little dog Suchi ran after my bus. He will be cared for by Ana Chavez, and Jesus and Juan say they will come up to Andarivel from time to time to look after their deeded property. Before leaving San Isidro I met with Jesus and Juan under umbrellas in a dark and drizzling rain. I promised Jesus to return for his 18th birthday in three years and I promised both of them my continuing support.
9/20/07 David, Panama. To improve circulation and reduce body weight now that I will not be working hard any more, and pass the time until my flight back to the United States, today I have begun a fast in a place without distractions except for internet chess and a stack of old magazines. In my Boonkanjaranam Thai retreat I did not have any distractions except walking and sweeping leaves. Very hard to shift down to low gear. 49 favorite photos of Andarivel have been uploaded to Google Picasaweb along with a 7x7 collage. My comments about each photo in sequence have been posted here.
10/09/07 Returned to the United States by Delta Airlines flights from Panama City to Atlanta, then to Phoenix, Arizona. The fast in David, Panama, was not very successful. I did not lose any weight at all the first week even while drinking nothing but grapefruit juice, probably due to the sugar mixed with the juice. Then due to anxiety about my future travels I lost the thread of concentration necessary to achieve goals.
10/10/07 Bused by Greyhound from Phoenix to Flagstaff and walked over to the Social Security office to report my return back to the United States and register for Medicare insurance. Found my old camp on the east slope of Mt. Elden, far beyond the last bus stop and the city limits, a bit weathered but untouched after two years. The plastic storage bin buried in the ground contained a few camping extras left behind such as thread and needles and two rolls of clean, dry toilet paper.
10/11/07 Passed my 65th birthday quietly in my camp, after first making a morning phone call to Boerne to my sister Janie visiting my father there. Unfortunately my father was out of the house. I enjoyed a special Safeway birthday breakfast of Starbuck coffee, fresh bagels and cream cheese.
10/12/07 The October weather in Flagstaff is not too cold yet, in fact it is very nice when sunny and not too windy. With my old but serviceable down jacket and sleeping bag, I can camp outside down to freezing. I am considering two options: either to rent a room or an apartment in Flagstaff for the winter, or else spend the winter in a sheltered room or apartment in a larger city such as Las Vegas, Nevada. The alligator juniper/oak/ponderosa pine/cliffrose forest here could be wonderful for undisturbed meditation or fasting. The long distance forty-five minute hike to my camp on Mt. Elden is a healthy form of exercise although too much walking does tend to maintain leg bulk, thereby hindering leg flexibility. I am experimenting with some sitting positions in a mummy sleeping bag which do not require leg flexibility. I have tried all my life to learn to sit still without convincing success but have not given up yet. A certain amount of seclusion is necessary for meditation or fasting. Even newspaper headlines, to say nothing of television or internet, stir up waves of thoughts and feelings of anxiety (although in the larger view, all mental states are food for insightful meditation). Therefore whether I stay on here or get a room in a city, I have to guard my thoughts and avoid distressing news. Instead of dwelling on the past remembering my godsons and Costa Rica, comparing golden then with silver now, I have to concentrate on the present moment, the present sunrise, the present breath. The past is just a dream and thoughts which lead to depression should be recognized for what they are: mere thoughts.
10/13/07 Night temperatures have begun dipping below freezing, therefore I have rented a motel room as shelter for the cold nights, but still visit the forest during the day. It seems to me that the best living arrangement for me for the long term would be a room or apartment in some retirement community, that is, to live near other people like me and with similar medical needs, but still enjoy a measure of independence and solitude. However I would like to stay on in Flagstaff a little while longer before continuing my search for such a community. Undecided about getting a portable wireless laptop; would it help meditation practice, or would it be just another diversion?
10/17/07 Mindful of the seventh Theravada precept against "watching shows" (presumably for entertainment), I have nevertheless watched a few television programs from my motel room. The programs that interest me the most are nonfictional. One was an historical documentary about prisoners of war building a railroad between Thailand and Burma, where some of the survivors commented that the most important key to survival was having a friend. As much as I have a nostalgic attachment to Flagstaff, the lonely forest has lost some of its appeal and internet access has deteriorated markedly. I think it is time to continue my search for a community of peers. I have updated my Training Rules (see above) to restore the sixth rule to its original form, now that my reduced physical activity does not require much caloric input.
10/23/07 I am postponing my departure for Las Vegas. One week cooped up in a motel room watching too much TV gave me cabin fever. In spite of below-freezing weather at night and occasional gusty winds during the day, I returned to my camp on Mt. Elden. There is something very special about this camp. Except for the cold it is calm and pleasant, very secluded, maybe a touch understated, bedraggled or forlorn but in tune with my mood. This morning I bought a thermal undershirt at Peace Surplus for the cold. As for internet, I do not really need it much except to get a birthday present for Juan on the 22 of November: one of the laptops for every child in the world.
11/1/07 Leaving for Las Vegas by Greyhound.
11/03 San Diego. Stayed in Las Vegas for only four hours. Unable to find a hotel room for less than price of an overnight bus ticket to San Diego. Smoky impression of Las Vegas discouraged plan to spend more time there. Downtown San Diego is also depressing, however. Only one internet cafe ($5/hr) was found except for the public library (1 hour limit).
11/05 Except for a next-room neighbor with Tourette's syndrome (there always seems to be something) and a funky odor which an open window does not cure, my San Diego hotel room (Workman Hotel Rm 64, J Street) might be acceptable for practicing solitary meditation but I feel like this stark downtown landscape may not be the place to put down roots, rent an apartment and attend to medical problems. Homeless blacks and poor unshaven white men drift around desolate empty streets. The sense of life and purpose which fills the streets of Central America to overflowing is missing here. To one man propping his dirty shoe on a clean white wall, I pointed at the wall and said, "This is a white wall." --"So?", he replied. End of conversation. Another man with wild eyes, uncombed hair and bare feet on the cold street pavement accused me of belonging to the INS border patrol which robbed him of his shoes that morning. A black HIV positive man in a wheelchair begged for money to buy pampers. Walking down Broadway I passed the dental clinic which damaged something under my nose years ago. The scar still bothers me.
11/07 Read Forest Recollections: Wandering Monks in Twentieth-Century Thailand by Kamala 294.3657. About the experiences of ten wandering monks before the end of the wandering tradition which ended after the clear cutting of all the forests and the spread of bureaucratic state Buddhism. Loss of habitat may explain why I did not see any wandering monks in the ancient ruins of Ayutthaya.
11/08 Decided to move on, a rolling stone. Reserved an Alaskan Airlines ticket to Seattle for next week, to retrace my steps back to the start of my Costa Rican adventure seven years ago. What if I had stayed there then? Then the past seven years would have been a different dream.
11/11 San Diego public library, two more days to go before my Seattle flight. It seems to me that I am in a depressed state and the reason for it is not having anything to do. I hope this gray mood will lighten once I get engaged in a new project. I have always enjoyed work, both physical and mental. Even during my hermit years in the desert I used to pass the time in healthy physical activities such as hiking. My morning walk into town was always one of the best parts of the day. I was determined to complete my cross country hikes from Mexico to Canada even when in physical pain. During my programming years I filled my days and nights with creative projects. Now, at limbo, and in some physical discomfort due to an increasingly stiff arthritic neck, time hangs heavy. I am hoping I can find a place to live and a sense of purpose in Seattle, satisfying in spite of the rainy weather. Find a place to stay and a computer to play with and some volunteer work to connect with other people. The One Laptop Per Child project interests me: I would like to get laptops for Juan, Ellen (the San Gerardo library), Ana (Andarivel) and myself, if more than one can be ordered. Maybe there is some programming work or other service I could offer.
11/13 Arrived in Seattle, Washington. Nice view of Crater Lake from my airplane window, mountain peaks dusted white with snow. Passed over Portland and the wide Columbia river snaking towards the ocean in a mist of clouds. Brisk chilly weather on landing. Many trees in autumn colors. Found the Green Tortoise Hostel downtown moved from its former location. Ordered the first of the OLPC computers but learned that the uncertain delivery will be after Juan's birthday.
11/17 Reno, Nevada, at my sister Jane's house. Plans to winter in Seattle changed after visiting the UW campus and finding library doors shut to outsiders, also discouraged by prospect of coping with months of cold weather, not feeling in robust health. On an impulse bought an e-ticket to Reno to try a dryer climate. Here the weather is not so bad. Yesterday with Janie's help I bought a small 12 inch HP laptop at a Best Buy store in an outlying mall not accessible from Reno by public bus. However it is not working as hoped. Problems with display brightness, mirror reflections from a glass surface and an unfamiliar Vista operating system which displays text in soft pastel colors with poor contrast frustrate use. Even worse, the computer would not connect to internet at Janie's house. So I will return it tomorrow and postpone getting a personal computer until the XO laptops arrive, or maybe find an XP system on ebay.
11/21 Campus of University of Nevada, Reno. Yesterday I moved into a nice, little studio apartment not far from the campus, see address above, after spending four days at Janie and Joe's lovely but remote home in a northern housing development called Spanish Springs which has no public bus service. My apartment, however, is right by a city bus stop. My south-facing second-floor apartment window receives direct sunlight between the branches of a tall aspen and a fir tree, a pleasant view. The trunk of the aspen tree blocks the predawn light of an irritating street lamp, thereby converting a problem into a perpetual sunrise. An online review of the XO laptop said that the membrane keyboard is difficult to type on. This inclines me to look for a regular laptop. But if my goal is only to practice undisturbed meditation then my interest in computer access may be a distraction. However a computer might connect me with a community of peers which might help my practice. It may take a few days to settle in and explore my surroundings. Mailed my old baseball cap to Juan for his eleventh birthday tomorrow.
11/29 Some issues have come up about the apartment and neighborhood. The walls are paper thin. There is an unexpected problem with noise, not my neighbor's but mine. My neighbor works a second shift and sleeps until midday. He has complained twice about the sound of my opening desk drawers in my studio near our shared wall. So I moved the desk away from the wall. However, when my computer arrives in a few days, the tapping of the keyboard may annoy him too. Or maybe not. Also, getting to know this neighborhood which is old and poor, I realize I have not succeeded in my plan to find a community of peers. I am still living a solitary life like a hermit in the desert. Maybe I cannot escape my destiny. It may be that the community I am looking for will necessarily be an electronic one, not a physical one. The proximity of my sister is an illusion. There is no way to go over to her house except by private car, the way American suburbs have been constructed, and the drive for her is long and inconvenient. I am still undecided about getting a cellular telephone until trying out the communication options of a personal computer. One bought on eBay is scheduled to be delivered next week; a computer would allow email or Skype telephone, probably enough for my basic needs.
Meanwhile, the need to be silent in my own apartment suggests the option of doing a silent fast, because the conditions are finally suitable for a purging fast which might relieve some physical pains of arthritis and a mild but chronic dry cough. There will not be the distractions of travel and companionship unless I create them out of restlessness, and I have physical shelter from the elements. My plan to get a medical checkup in the U.S. under Medicare will be postponed at least until receiving my card still in the mail.
Reading a disturbing book: The Assault on Reason by Al Gore, about the politics of fear. On the one hand I would like to avoid the distress and dismay of attending to politics because it is always unpleasant. On the other hand I may have a responsibility to stay informed, maybe even take political action. The constitutional balance of powers doesn't seem to be restraining the abuse of power by an arrogant executive. I wonder what I can do. I think my personal style of retreating from the world instead of working to make it better, originates from a perception of powerlessness while growing up without a feeling of connection to my father. I did feel connected to my mother, therefore did not grow up totally alienated from society like many criminals. But there is no doubt I have low self esteem which discourages trying to teach or influence others.
11/30 First snow falling. Yesterday met a woman on the street ("Sandre") wheeling a baby carriage with a toy teddy bear in the place of a baby. She asked me if I had a "spare dollar". Without thinking I said "No", but what I meant was I didn't have any dollars especially designated for spare distribution, all my dollars are equal, every one of them of equal rank. If she had asked me if I could spare a dollar it would have been a different question. However, I wasn't really satisfied with my curt answer and so I asked her what was the problem. She pulled a pretty, golden-colored billfold out of her pocket and said someone had stolen her money. Then I softened my refusal and gave her what she asked and wished her well, not because I believed her story, but because she seemed to want a little human contact.
12/1 Third day of a water fast, taking advantage of my isolated retreat in Reno without any distractions or obligations. Some online literature suggests that fasting can help osteoarthritis. This is because a cause for osteoarthritis might be obstructed blood flow to the tiny capillaries at the joints. Fasting will thin blood flow and remove fatty plaques from the veins. Another anticipated benefit of my fast is reduction of leg bulk in order to sit longer in half lotus, or maybe even full lotus some day. I will end the fast when my Body Mass Index drops from present 22 down to 18.5 which is the threshold between normal weight and underweight. I bought an accurate digital bathroom scale. The only nourishment besides water is tea with honey and a little powered milk with a few crumbs of raisins, fresh ginger and garlic, but avoiding sugar and caffeine. My 22-day perfect joy fast in Mineral Wells in 2002 was diluted by too much sugar, sodas and coffee. I plan to revert to a vegetarian diet afterwards. Today my sister Janie visited me and brought my long-overdue Medicare card, but I will wait to see the results of this fast before scheduling an introductory free Medicare physical. Maybe the fast will cure my symptoms first.
12/5 Day 7, 136 lbs, BMI 21. Irritable but not really hungry. First successful wireless connection to internet from my apartment on my new Gateway MT6723 laptop.
12/6 Day 8 135 lbs. Installed a Canon iP90v printer on the new computer. Unable to call out using Skype because of the low bandwidth on the apartment wireless network. I will have to subscribe to cable or else get a cellular telephone.
12/10 Day 12 134 lbs. Weight holding at 134 due to sugar in drinks, therefore changing to saccharin. New cellular telephone arrived today, a Sony Ericsson Z310a. Gave thirty day notice on Reno apartment and reserved an airline ticket to Albuquerque, New Mexico, for January 9, 2008. The choice of where to live in the United States has taken a lot of meandering turns. The deciding factors for me were climate, natural environment (forests, deserts, mountains, open spaces), public transportation, medical care, access to internet and libraries, and happy memories. State income tax was considered (Texas and Nevada are income tax free, but New Mexico is 5.3%) but given less weight than during my homeless years, now that my savings and income are more than adequate. In fact, state taxes are a way of sharing with others, therefore actually desirable from the point of view of perfecting the virtue of generosity (but federal taxes which support a wrongful war ought to be minimized). I considered some retirement communities such as Green Valley south of Tucson or possibly Florida. On the whole I have happier memories of New Mexico than southern Arizona (I am still fond of Flagstaff but at 7,000 feet it can be cold). Nearness to family was considered and tried in Galveston, Boerne and Reno, and New Mexico will be more central than Nevada. My sister Janie once accused me of "not being there" when she needed me growing up in Fort Worth. However no one seems to need my presence much these days as far as I can tell, not even my godsons in Costa Rica. Anyway, once I have a place to cache my things, I can go on visits anywhere including Costa Rica. During my homeless nomadic years I would go up to the mountains during the summer. Then there is another world of connections beyond the physical called the world wide web. Maybe I will find a niche there, while not forgetting the physical body (exercise) and breath awareness which grounds the wandering mind.
12/13 Day 15 132 lbs. On the fasting front, it seems like the arthritic pain in my neck is actually improving. Have begun walking over to the well equipped Reno Senior Center in the morning to socialize a bit. All my life I thought old people were another generation. Now I feel I have somewhere to go where I belong. While browsing internet in digg.com, a favorite community of mine, I stumbled on a link to a program which makes it easy to write letters to Congressional Representatives Your Voice Counts. It looked up the addresses for my voting district Senators and Reps and inserted them into a letter which I composed on the fly. I felt I had a chance to join in political action as a player instead of a mere spectator. I took the opportunity to protest what I believe is the immoral conduct of the Iraqi war by writing a flaming letter supporting impeachment of the President and VP. If I had sat on the letter overnight I would have probably toned it down. Now it has resulted in some positive and negative reactions. From a personal point of view, we should accept private suffering without complaining, but compassion for the suffering of others calls for unselfish action and possible criticism. However some actions may be well intended but unskillful.
12/14 Day 16 131 lbs. The Buddha taught three criteria for good speech: it should be truthful, beneficial and agreeable (see the fourth precept above). Although in the Abhaya Sutta, he allowed that speech could be disagreeable in some circumstances. Thinking about my flaming letter which is certainly disagreeable, I am not sure it was completely truthful (for example the accusation of "criminal" conduct is not proved in advance; that is what an impeachment trial would have to determine), and without knowing the audience, I'm not sure it was beneficial. How does it help to throw fire on fire? Therefore in hindsight I would say the letter was unskillful. This fasting state has nudged me off balance. Today I had to sit down on the pavement because of a severe leg cramp after a long walk.
12/15 Day 17 131 lbs. Broke fast by accepting an invitation for a Christmas dinner at the Senior Center. Some concern about leg cramps returning, also some curiosity about socializing with other senior citizens and joining in a community meal. However the loudspeakers made conversation at the table difficult and I couldn't hear the 92 yr-old man opposite me very well. The oppressive noise and being with strangers and regret about eating out of time spoiled any enjoyment. Then afterwards more unsatisfied than ever I ate some more snacks from the corner store: pretzels, olives, soft candy and soda. Passed an uncomfortable night.
12/16 Day 1 again, starting over, 136 lbs. Still thinking about the criteria for good speech: truthful, beneficial and agreeable. How does this log fulfill this? It is truthful and could be beneficial if it were inspirational in some way. The third criteria, agreeableness, is not always necessary. For example the Buddha described his ascetic practices in detail, not pleasant reading. But his purpose was to teach moderation, the middle way. My fast does have some positive goals: lighten the body, improve circulation, relieve osteoarthritis, clear up chest. As long as my weight stays in the normal range, this fast is not starvation, it is not extreme, only a little uncomfortable and drawn out. This log should be helping me to stay focused, not serve as a platform to complain. I have to avoid complaining. I should be grateful for a sheltered, quiet room and use it to further my practice, with faith that in the end I will reach my goal. I should face depressing thoughts, analyze them, instead of trying to ignore them by playing over grandmaster chess games or otherwise fritter the time away. It doesn't help to read world news either. I miss physical exercise as when landscaping my Arboleda Andarivel, but if I can't dig dirt now, then at least I can take morning walks, dress warmly and hydrate to avoid cramps. I have been thinking about the life of Jean Baptiste Charbonneau, the papoose son of Sacagawea on the Lewis and Clark expedition. He was given to Clark to be educated. When he was 18, a German prince visiting America on a natural history expedition met him and took him back to Europe with him. He spent six years there and learned four languages, but in the end decided to return to an outdoors life as a mountain man. He died at age 61 while traveling to a gold rush in Montana. He was a wanderer all his life and because he was a half breed, did not fit into any community..
12/17 Day 2 135 lbs. Google Earth is an excellent tool for researching places to live. It pinpoints the exact street address of listed apartments. Looking at places in New Mexico and West Texas.
12/19 Day 4 133 lbs. Have just finished reading "Sacagawea's Child, The Life and Times of Jean Baptiste (Pomp) Charbonneau" by Susan M Colby, 2005. Among the events of his life of 61 years is this touching story: Born of a Shoshoni Indian mother and a French-Canadian father, therefore what was called a half-breed, he was educated in St. Louis by his mentor William Clark and then happened to meet Duke Paul Wilhelm, a natural history collector on an expedition to the Missouri River. The Duke took the 18 year old boy back to Europe with him. Six years later, after Jean Baptiste had learned four languages and fathered a son who did not survive, they returned to St. Louis on a second expedition, and Jean-Baptiste decided to leave the Duke and live an outdoors life as a fur trapper, buffalo hunter, guide and mountain man. Later he worked as a guide for the Morman Battalion which brought him to California during the Mexican War, then he remained in California working odd jobs and panning for gold in the American River. Meanwhile, the Duke returned for a third trip after an absence of twenty years and came out to see the gold rush. Unknown to either of them, they were only a few miles apart when the Duke was admiring some Indians working for John Sutter and commented that one of them reminded him of the Shoshoni boy who followed him to Europe. This near-reunion reminds me of the unannounced visit that my Anglo-Indian friend and dear travel companion Trevor Bennett made on a shore leave to my apartment in New York City on a day when I was out of town. We had last said tearful goodbyes four years earlier at midnight at the Gare de Lyon train station in Paris after his English visa was denied for lack of funds and he had to return to Bombay alone. Before leaving, he stayed with me until both of my American Hospital in Paris leg surgeries were healed. A few years later Trevor wrote me from England to say he had married an English girl but was not happy. I never heard from him again after that. That was forty years ago but I still wonder what became of him.
12/20 Day 5 133 lbs. Surprising how weight clings without any solid food input and no sugar either. I should get out and walk more. First of the four OLPC XO computers ordered last Nov 12 has arrived. Playing over chess games on internet is an addictive pastime. I must stop wasting time on it. Researching places to live has higher priority, also testing out the XO laptops, and of course meditation practice.
12/21 Day 6 134 lbs. Incredible weight gain from only a few cubes of bouillon and a couple of hot chocolate drinks, and not enough exercise. I must force myself to take longer walks in spite of the cold.
12/22 Day 7 134 lbs. Three of my four XO's have arrived or will arrive very soon. Only the fourth delivery is still unknown. I am converting the language to Spanish for Costa Rica. I have discovered that the tiny keyboard is manageable for adult fingers by using only two fingers, the traditional hunt-and-peck style, therefore an external keyboard may not be necessary. I bought some wireless mice, however, to avoid the frustration of learning to use the touch pad.
12/24 Day 9 130 lbs, BMI 20. Will try to hold weight at 130 lbs for awhile. Lack of daily aerobic exercise has prevented more rapid weight loss, resulting in a long, weary grind. BMI thresholds for my height 5'7" are 96 lbs starvation (BMI 15), 118 lbs underweight (BMI 18.5) and 160 lbs overweight (BMI 25). Actual hands-on experience with the XO and problems reported on the OLPC forum are causing some second thoughts about giving it to Juan. The XO is designed for children who do not have previous experience with windows. Kids who have some previous computer experience might be disappointed because it is slow, different and comes without manuals. Therefore I have ordered three 7" Asus Eee portables for when they become available: one for Juan, one for the San Gerardo library and one for my daypack. Of the four XO's on hand or due to arrive, two will go to the San Gerardo library, one to Joseph Ana's son, and one undecided, probably to Josue, Juan's little brother, or maybe back to OLPC as a donation where it will reach an appreciative audience. My lack of physical exercise is affecting morale. I sometimes wonder if I would be better off living in a small, forested community good for hiking such as Silver City or Flagstaff. When I fly on the magic carpet of Google Earth and look down on apartment complexes in large cities, I miss seeing trees and parks in suburban neighborhoods not designed for walkers. However I cannot keep on dithering. No place is perfect. Albuquerque at least will provide medical diagnostics in the near term.
12/31/2007 Mailed three OLPC XO computers to Costa Rica. The three Esus Eee PC are due to arrive in Las Vegas next week. Only the delivery of the fourth XO is still unconfirmed.
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